Day 104

I am feeling: nauseated

Life really has changed so much since I first started this blog. I am now engaged to a wonderful guy...and we are also expecting our first child. Yep. My eggo is preggo. I was on the pill so we didn't think we needed 'barrier' contraception. oops. I am excited and nervous and a whole wave of emotions.

I have scored morning sickness, fatigue, and a killer case of the weepies. This is why I haven't really been posting much. I haven't been able to sit a the computer long (lying down makes the nausea lessen) and I really haven't known how to announce it.

I am nearly 8 weeks pregnant.

As a result, I have come off all of my medication. Pristiq, cold-turkey is not fun but there isn't a taper process really. Coming off the medication has created a lack of stability in my mood. It’s like hormonal mood swings amplified. I sit in the shower crying because I am terrified about becoming a mum. I have sat in the kitchen crying because I was too fatigued and nauseated to do the dishes. I have cried myself to sleep because I at times I feel like a bad fiance. Today I did start to notice some old depressive behaviours pop in. I’ve stopped showering (I had one just before – after I noticed I wasn’t showering), if it wasn’t for the nausea I’d probably not eat, and I’m not “doing anything”. It is in part because I feel so sick but even when I have a bit of time where it’s not intolerable I don’t get out of bed. These are personal warning symptoms that I have recognised after years of therapy. I know they indicate my mood is dropping. Luckily, it is early days into the low mood. I can start planning more ‘fun’ activities as well as try and do a little housework (which is surprisingly therapeutic for me). I have regular appointments with my two psychiatrists. And, they have said they will keep a close eye out for antenatal depression or a worsening of my major depression. Tim is a wonderful support. And, I do have my family (and Tim’s).

Day 103

I am feeling: Not sure

I think I spend half of this blog apologising for not updating regularly. It is unfortunate because my life has become so much richer without the ED. I am happily engaged to Tim :D. I passed semester 2 and I'm now on uni holidays.
 An epiphany from Nov 24, 2011

Keira wrote: Gotta love "f**k it" moments... I shouldn't be 'ashamed' of my body because it's a size 14-16. Letting go of all the 'diet' plans and just going to focus on living a healthy life... Instead, I am going to get some beautiful, flattering clothes that reflect who I am rather than who the "fashion deities" claim I should be

I am still going to make healthier choices - more fruit and veggies a little less chocolate (i.e. no more eating the entire block). I'm still going to work on moving more (get back into ballet, walking, and some gym/weights when my back's not so sore) but I'm not going to count calories or watch my weight.


Tim loves me as I am...maybe I should do the same. I'm sure if I get my health/fitness up some weight will come off (and will benefit my back health) but that's not the focus. I really don't want to lose more of my life trying to change my body.


I don't care what size my wedding dress will be. I really don't. I've seen women larger than me look absolutely stunning. Tim's said getting me some new clothes will be a priority. A lot of mine are sizes 8-12 and are tight/too small. It's probably healthier for me to just upgrade my wardrobe (and donate the old stuff) and accept that right now I'm a 12-18 (store variations).

 Tim took me clothes shopping and I have 2 new t-shirts, 3 new singlet/tank tops, 2 pairs of pants, and two skirts. (oh and some undies), I have put all my clothes that do not fit into some stripey bags to be donated. I really don't need them there as a reminder of what size I was. All it does is fuel a desire to fit back into them. And, while I am 'overweight' by BMI classifications I'm the healthiest I've ever been. My thinking is clear. My energy ... isn't too bad.

Day 102

I am feeling: A mixture of emotions

It was a happy and sad day yesterday. One of my rats, Colby, passed away. I know rats have a short lifespan but it was still such a shock. Motzie is a little subdued but not suffering too much. I've been keeping him company and talking to him when I'm on the computer. I've been giving him lots of special treats and cuddles. It's quite hot in our house so he's got a fan for his cage. I am being mindful of his mood; rats can get depressed and sick from grief after losing a cage-mate. With the mugginess it's hard for me to breathe at time (because of my asthma) so I've been giving him steam therapy to soften the gunk in his lungs (from the Myco). It's sad to watch him by himself but he is still an adorable rattie. He, like Gherkin, sleeps in the most bizarre positions. Last night, he had his bum wedged high in the corner of the cage. Silly rattie.

 I also got my new computer yesterday. This machine is so much cooler than my netbooks. I custom ordered it with my preferred components. Some specs:

•  intel i5 3.30Ghz processor 
• 8Gb RAM/ Memory 
• 1Tb harddrive 
• DVDRW (couldn't afford the Blu-ray yet) 
• Asus HD6950 graphics card 
• 600W PSU (power supply) 
• 21.5" LED LCD monitor

It is very fun to play computer games on. I'm on uni break until March so I need something to keep me occupied. Kirsten said computer games sounds like a fun way to keep me "out of mischievous". Speaking of therapy, my appointments with Kirsten are down to fortnightly and I see Dr C on a monthly basis. Yay for progress!

Day 101

I am feeling: over the moon
I haven't posted in AGES! and I (as always) apologise for that. For those of you who aren't privvy to my twitter/facebook/youtube um other various social networking profiles....
I'm Engaged!
The Proposal: Treasure hunt!! There were post-it around the house that spelled out "Will you marry me?" And then, he named my character on Skyrim Keira O*** <- his last name.
He was also going to let me play but I couldn't stay up til midnight for it to be 'unlocked' so I let him play while I slept. He started crying...when I said he could and I didn't mind. It was soo sweet because I know he's been dying to play Skyrim since before I met him. I met him in Nov 2010 when he was dating my friend. I had a crush there. He had no idea...being the guy he is. We got together shortly after I moved in with him and he and his then girlfriend had broken it off. So... we started dating in um, late August.
We aren't getting married for a while - a long engagement. But, he wanted to "show me" that I was the girl he wanted to spend his life with.
I'm 9 months older than he is...when we worked that out he said - "So the universe made me just for you"

Day 100

I am feeling: in love

So, faithful readers will be used to the gaps in the blog entries. I do apologise. So much has been happening. I have moved out and back into my little place. I spent just under 2 months in hospital after the winter depression sunk in. I've come through it all. I have my little home all set up. It feels like home, not just a place. I am truly happy here - the happiest I have been in a long time. I am also in love. *blushes* I am in a relationship with a caring and wonderful guy. I feel safe when I am with him. So happy. I haven't been had a partner since Mel so it's new and exciting. *goofy grin* Dr C says it's written all over my face and the goofy grin I get when he mention's his name. It's nice that my 100th post is a happy one :D

Day 99

I am feeling: "off"

Anywhoo - I turned 25 at 10.04am AEST (GMT+10) Tuesday. I feel strangely grown up. I discovered I suck at walking in heeled boots. The nurse told me my bum was sticking out (it's a habit from childhood - I saw a specialist about my posture).

I got a massage, bought some clothes (jeans, a trench coat style jacket, and boots), a ceramic travel mug, and hung out with a friend...we just chatted about stuff while she waited for medication time - she was having a rough moment.

Bought some jeans! And some boots - the boots were actually a really big deal. Someone made an off the cuff remark about me having chunky calves. So, that filtered in and I assumed I couldn't wear anything other than flats or mary jane style shoes. Today I bought just above the ankle boots. I was no longer "ashamed" of my 'chunky calves' I was accepting of their shape. And paired with the new pair of jeans (in a size I used to fear) they look effing awesome.

Now, the jeans. I had a size x and a size y, they were one digit apart (weird sizing that went 6,7,8 all the way to 16). Size x meant I couldn't breathe and when I asked the shop assistant she said it wasn't flattering. Size y, were snug but I could breathe and the shop assistant said "that's your size". Then we tried styles - skinny, straight, boyfriend, bootleg. I had a straight cut in my size and we (the assistant and I) agreed that it didn't play to my body's strengths - the curvaceousness of it. She said the skinny's would have the same look, if not worse. Boyfriend fit but hid my figure (ED would have liked that). With those bootleg jeans on, in my head my legs looked hotter than they ever did when I was "thin" (read: unwell).

With compassion has come acceptance. And with acceptance has come love. My friend asked me what I would change about my body...my response was: "I'd like to get rid of the yellow stain trapped under the cap on my front tooth"...that's all I'd change.

I don't scrutinise my body with the ever judgmental eye I used to have. I have a body designed for me, for my personality, for my strengths and weaknesses. It's mine and mine alone...

Day 98

I am feeling: frazzled

Exciting, I've nearly hit triple digits...only took 3 years. Not due to relapses but just because I don't always have something blog-worthy to say.

My 25th Birthday is looking like it will be a Belmont Birthday. I am going to stay here for a while to settle before moving down the corridor to work with the trauma and dissociation staff for 3 weeks.

I have been enjoying the yummy meals coming through here in hospital. Today I had pancakes for breakfast :D I have been started on a new medication and the first thing my doctor warns me of is munchies and weight gain. Way to sell a pill to someone with an ED history. He's lucky that I don't care - if I gain a bit of weight I will just look and be 'strategic' with the munchie behaviour and try and get more exercise.

I've been reading a lot since being in here:
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future - Michael J Fox
In 50 years We'll All be Chicks - Adam Carolla

Today is Sunday so I've got a few things lined up to keep myself occupied. The weekends have higher rates of visitors. I don't get visitors so it can be upsetting for me. I did carry my 'half-finished' jigsaw puzzle on the bus (it was rolled up in a mat) so I can work on it here...

Because I am a blog addict, I've been slowly working on a PTSD blog over on WP...slowly being the key word.

I also have 3 exams to study for...woo