One year + One Girl: One Recovery

Day 104

2012-01-15T14:21:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: nauseated

Life really has changed so much since I first started this blog. I am now engaged to a wonderful guy...and we are also expecting our first child. Yep. My eggo is preggo. I was on the pill so we didn't think we needed 'barrier' contraception. oops. I am excited and nervous and a whole wave of emotions.

I have scored morning sickness, fatigue, and a killer case of the weepies. This is why I haven't really been posting much. I haven't been able to sit a the computer long (lying down makes the nausea lessen) and I really haven't known how to announce it.

I am nearly 8 weeks pregnant.

As a result, I have come off all of my medication. Pristiq, cold-turkey is not fun but there isn't a taper process really. Coming off the medication has created a lack of stability in my mood. It’s like hormonal mood swings amplified. I sit in the shower crying because I am terrified about becoming a mum. I have sat in the kitchen crying because I was too fatigued and nauseated to do the dishes. I have cried myself to sleep because I at times I feel like a bad fiance. Today I did start to notice some old depressive behaviours pop in. I’ve stopped showering (I had one just before – after I noticed I wasn’t showering), if it wasn’t for the nausea I’d probably not eat, and I’m not “doing anything”. It is in part because I feel so sick but even when I have a bit of time where it’s not intolerable I don’t get out of bed. These are personal warning symptoms that I have recognised after years of therapy. I know they indicate my mood is dropping. Luckily, it is early days into the low mood. I can start planning more ‘fun’ activities as well as try and do a little housework (which is surprisingly therapeutic for me). I have regular appointments with my two psychiatrists. And, they have said they will keep a close eye out for antenatal depression or a worsening of my major depression. Tim is a wonderful support. And, I do have my family (and Tim’s).

Day 103

2011-12-01T23:37:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: Not sure

I think I spend half of this blog apologising for not updating regularly. It is unfortunate because my life has become so much richer without the ED. I am happily engaged to Tim :D. I passed semester 2 and I'm now on uni holidays.
An epiphany from Nov 24, 2011

Keira wrote: Gotta love "f**k it" moments... I shouldn't be 'ashamed' of my body because it's a size 14-16. Letting go of all the 'diet' plans and just going to focus on living a healthy life... Instead, I am going to get some beautiful, flattering clothes that reflect who I am rather than who the "fashion deities" claim I should be

I am still going to make healthier choices - more fruit and veggies a little less chocolate (i.e. no more eating the entire block). I'm still going to work on moving more (get back into ballet, walking, and some gym/weights when my back's not so sore) but I'm not going to count calories or watch my weight.

Tim loves me as I am...maybe I should do the same. I'm sure if I get my health/fitness up some weight will come off (and will benefit my back health) but that's not the focus. I really don't want to lose more of my life trying to change my body.

I don't care what size my wedding dress will be. I really don't. I've seen women larger than me look absolutely stunning. Tim's said getting me some new clothes will be a priority. A lot of mine are sizes 8-12 and are tight/too small. It's probably healthier for me to just upgrade my wardrobe (and donate the old stuff) and accept that right now I'm a 12-18 (store variations).

Tim took me clothes shopping and I have 2 new t-shirts, 3 new singlet/tank tops, 2 pairs of pants, and two skirts. (oh and some undies), I have put all my clothes that do not fit into some stripey bags to be donated. I really don't need them there as a reminder of what size I was. All it does is fuel a desire to fit back into them. And, while I am 'overweight' by BMI classifications I'm the healthiest I've ever been. My thinking is clear. My energy ... isn't too bad.

Day 102

2011-11-30T18:09:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: A mixture of emotions

It was a happy and sad day yesterday.One of my rats, Colby, passed away. I know rats have a short lifespan but it was still such a shock. Motzie is a little subdued but not suffering too much. I've been keeping him company and talking to him when I'm on the computer. I've been giving him lots of special treats and cuddles. It's quite hot in our house so he's got a fan for his cage. I am being mindful of his mood; rats can get depressed and sick from grief after losing a cage-mate. With the mugginess it's hard for me to breathe at time (because of my asthma) so I've been giving him steam therapy to soften the gunk in his lungs (from the Myco). It's sad to watch him by himself but he is still an adorable rattie. He, like Gherkin, sleeps in the most bizarre positions. Last night, he had his bum wedged high in the corner of the cage. Silly rattie.

I also got my new computer yesterday. This machine is so much cooler than my netbooks. I custom ordered it with my preferred components. Some specs:

intel i5 3.30Ghz processor
8Gb RAM/ Memory
1Tb harddrive
DVDRW (couldn't afford the Blu-ray yet)
Asus HD6950 graphics card
600W PSU (power supply)
21.5" LED LCD monitor

It is very fun to play computer games on. I'm on uni break until March so I need something to keep me occupied. Kirsten said computer games sounds like a fun way to keep me "out of mischievous". Speaking of therapy, my appointments with Kirsten are down to fortnightly and I see Dr C on a monthly basis. Yay for progress!

Day 101

2011-11-14T19:08:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: over the moon
I haven't posted in AGES! and I (as always) apologise for that. For those of you who aren't privvy to my twitter/facebook/youtube um other various social networking profiles....
I'm Engaged!
The Proposal: Treasure hunt!! There were post-it around the house that spelled out "Will you marry me?" And then, he named my character on Skyrim Keira O*** <- his last name.
He was also going to let me play but I couldn't stay up til midnight for it to be 'unlocked' so I let him play while I slept. He started crying...when I said he could and I didn't mind. It was soo sweet because I know he's been dying to play Skyrim since before I met him. I met him in Nov 2010 when he was dating my friend. I had a crush there. He had no idea...being the guy he is. We got together shortly after I moved in with him and he and his then girlfriend had broken it off. So... we started dating in um, late August.
We aren't getting married for a while - a long engagement. But, he wanted to "show me" that I was the girl he wanted to spend his life with.
I'm 9 months older than he is...when we worked that out he said - "So the universe made me just for you"

Day 100

2011-09-12T20:44:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: in love

So, faithful readers will be used to the gaps in the blog entries. I do apologise. So much has been happening. I have moved out and back into my little place. I spent just under 2 months in hospital after the winter depression sunk in. I've come through it all.I have my little home all set up. It feels like home, not just a place. I am truly happy here - the happiest I have been in a long time.I am also in love. *blushes* I am in a relationship with a caring and wonderful guy. I feel safe when I am with him. So happy. I haven't been had a partner since Mel so it's new and exciting. *goofy grin* Dr C says it's written all over my face and the goofy grin I get when he mention's his name.It's nice that my 100th post is a happy one :D

Day 99

2011-06-25T09:59:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: "off"

Anywhoo - I turned 25 at 10.04am AEST (GMT+10) Tuesday. I feel strangely grown up. I discovered I suck at walking in heeled boots. The nurse told me my bum was sticking out (it's a habit from childhood - I saw a specialist about my posture).

I got a massage, bought some clothes (jeans, a trench coat style jacket, and boots), a ceramic travel mug, and hung out with a friend...we just chatted about stuff while she waited for medication time - she was having a rough moment.

Bought some jeans! And some boots - the boots were actually a really big deal. Someone made an off the cuff remark about me having chunky calves. So, that filtered in and I assumed I couldn't wear anything other than flats or mary jane style shoes. Today I bought just above the ankle boots. I was no longer "ashamed" of my 'chunky calves' I was accepting of their shape. And paired with the new pair of jeans (in a size I used to fear) they look effing awesome.

Now, the jeans. I had a size x and a size y, they were one digit apart (weird sizing that went 6,7,8 all the way to 16). Size x meant I couldn't breathe and when I asked the shop assistant she said it wasn't flattering. Size y, were snug but I could breathe and the shop assistant said "that's your size". Then we tried styles - skinny, straight, boyfriend, bootleg. I had a straight cut in my size and we (the assistant and I) agreed that it didn't play to my body's strengths - the curvaceousness of it. She said the skinny's would have the same look, if not worse. Boyfriend fit but hid my figure (ED would have liked that). With those bootleg jeans on, in my head my legs looked hotter than they ever did when I was "thin" (read: unwell).

With compassion has come acceptance. And with acceptance has come love. My friend asked me what I would change about my body...my response was: "I'd like to get rid of the yellow stain trapped under the cap on my front tooth"...that's all I'd change.

I don't scrutinise my body with the ever judgmental eye I used to have. I have a body designed for me, for my personality, for my strengths and weaknesses. It's mine and mine alone...

Day 98

2011-06-19T08:34:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: frazzled

Exciting, I've nearly hit triple digits...only took 3 years. Not due to relapses but just because I don't always have something blog-worthy to say.

My 25th Birthday is looking like it will be a Belmont Birthday. I am going to stay here for a while to settle before moving down the corridor to work with the trauma and dissociation staff for 3 weeks.

I have been enjoying the yummy meals coming through here in hospital. Today I had pancakes for breakfast :D I have been started on a new medication and the first thing my doctor warns me of is munchies and weight gain. Way to sell a pill to someone with an ED history. He's lucky that I don't care - if I gain a bit of weight I will just look and be 'strategic' with the munchie behaviour and try and get more exercise.

I've been reading a lot since being in here:
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future - Michael J Fox
In 50 years We'll All be Chicks - Adam Carolla

Today is Sunday so I've got a few things lined up to keep myself occupied. The weekends have higher rates of visitors. I don't get visitors so it can be upsetting for me. I did carry my 'half-finished' jigsaw puzzle on the bus (it was rolled up in a mat) so I can work on it here...

Because I am a blog addict, I've been slowly working on a PTSD blog over on WP...slowly being the key word.

I also have 3 exams to study for...woo

Day 97

2011-06-11T18:41:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: a bit off still

Wow, that gives you a street address...

As you can tell by my location below, I am in hospital. My depression was getting too severe for me to manage on my own. An overview of what it's been like these past two days...
Day 1 - admission

I have nearly finished my admission process - filled in the millions of forms...medicare, health insurance, DASS, admissions, lists of items left in my possession. I've had my medical - and was told to try normal dairy again! I have an inflammed tummy - I wonder if that could be why things have been yucky for me?

I also get to stop my primolut and just try the marvelon as a sole OCP (and regulator of my period).
My back pain seems to be muscular (due to inactivity).
They are going to retest my iron and hB levels - hopefully I can come of the Fefol as well.

I don't think Dr C will be back in to see me - I'll see him on Monday. But, I've had a chat with the nurses about what's brought me in. Being weighed is part of the admission process - cue the look of shock at the disconnect between my weight on the scales and how it looks on my body. I said quite candidly "I am about 68kg" to which she said "no, you look smaller than that" I jump on the scales and tadaa. Hehe,

I am really nervous so I keep getting quite hot (I get flushed when I am anxious). But it's quite cold here so then I need to put more layers on. Then I get too hot. My face is all hot and it's giving me a headache so I might get a glass of cool water and have a lie down.

I'm not on the 'working unit' so I don't have a regimented schedule but they do offer groups. I want to try and attend the 8am "movement" classes - stretching, tai chi, yoga etc...

I might attend the group art and craft as well.

All that is left is a photo and a pee sample. (I have been photographed and had a sample of my pee taken)

day 2 - settling in
I'm getting full really quickly, my "small" regular meals feel like big "man-sized" meals I was eating to gain weight. Tummy still hurts - I'm on Nexium 40 to help with that and I am trying to avoid NSAIDs and coffee. I've been given the all clear to come off a lactose-free diet. (bring on ice cream :D)

I don't have leave over the weekend - I was honest with my doctor and said "I'd love to go and have cuddle time with Gherkin, I really want to say yes..." He said he thought that too and didn't write me down for leave. It sucks, knowing I "can't" leave but it means I am safe...

I have 3 nurses looking after my "team" (I'm in the green team here) so I can go up to the window and ask to talk to them at any time (except handover). They know I am a TDUer and have workbooks/worksheets and skills so they do encourage me to use those. My nurse for today just came in to say "hi".

I am in a shared room, the lady next to me is really nice. We are both pretty quiet so it's a good combo. We have a lounge area with tea/coffee facilities and a tv. There is informational, movement, and diversional (music and art) groups on.

One of the benefits of being in here is "breather time". I have my meals prepared for me, they remind me to take my medications, if I get too smelly they'll tell me to have a shower. I need those few days where I don't have to stress over things (given that my stomach is RAWR at the moment... stress-less would do me some good). When I am feeling better, I am pretty independent in here (which they LOVE) but also I do ask for help when it's too much for one person. Again, they love it. I am praised by the nursing staff when I sneak up to the nurses window and say "I'm not doing good right now" or I write them a note if I can't use my voice. I also get that feedback from my Dr as well.

So that's been my past two days. It was very quick, from making the call to Dr C to getting the call back that I have a bed waiting...
(those who are WBBers may recognise this from my journal there...I'm in a sharing mood)

Day 96: the toolkit

2011-06-03T12:37:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: motivated

My Kindle now has close to 100 ebooks on it for me to read. Now that I am not malnourished + depressed, I seem to be able to read as a soothing activity. [note: my depression hasn't gone away, it's just no longer being exacerbated by starvation] As much as I love, love, love my kindle, I'd never stop buying paperbacks. There is a whole other experience when you hold the book in your hands... Anyway, the kindle is now part of my depression/PTSD tool kit.

Also in my toolkit are my jigsaw puzzles! I really have to be 'aware' of the shapes and colours and lines on the pieces in order to finish the puzzle.

Also, my iPod, DVDs, and TV are there as well. I find watching dvds with commentary strangely soothing. [I never said I was normal ;)] Also, on my iPod are my favourite TV shows so I can watch them on the bus or in the shopping centre if I get too overwhelmed.

My crochet has come off the shelf. Now that it's cold, I am crocheting more :)

Gherkin, Colby and Motzie also make up my tool kit. Having someone (a pet, or 3) who need me helps when I feel desperately hopeless.

Another important tool is my workbooks and my grounding book. My grounding book has things to feel and touch, things to smell, things to hear (bubble wrap), orientating statements, contacts etc...

So that's my depression/ptsd/ed toolkit :) Well parts of it.

What is in your toolkit?

Day 95

2011-06-02T18:33:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nostalgic

Monday, December 19, 2009 I decided to write a daily blog: 365 days in recovery. 535 days later I'm only up to "Day 95". That's not to say I have only been in recovery 95/535. I just suck at posting daily. And, some times I don't actually have much to say in terms of my life as someone who is recovered.

It isn't all unicorns pooping rainbows (pinched that saying from Carrie Arnold). I've had a few health complications, possibly ED related or possibly just bad luck. I've had a few mental health issues as well.

The impulsive part of me wanted to delete and start again. But then, life isn't perfect when you start eating and stop compulsively worrying about weight. To paint recovered life as perfect would be a fallacy.

So, I've worked this hard to get my life back from the ED, now I need to work on the depression.

And breathe...

Day 94

2011-06-02T11:06:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: ??

I haven't been so frequent with the updates. I am still ED free. :)

My depression and PTSD (and related issues) isn't going so well. I've written to my doctor about another admission some time soon. I've booked in for day program... I haven't been going lately. And, when I do make it to my appointments, the nurses are always surprised (and seem relieved) to see me.

I've been pretty low key lately. I don't really have the energy or motivation to do a lot. I mainly watch DVDs, read e-books (on my Kindle) and sleep. Next week (or possibly even the weekend) I want to start revising for my exams. I have one on the 17th, 18th, and 21st of June. Yep, I scored an exam on my birthday. I'm gonna bring cake in with me - I have permission to have food in my exam.

For now, I am just focusing on doing things that are soothing. Making sweet tea, snuggly dressing gowns, warm baths, favourite TV shows/DVDs, trying to cook at least 1-2 balanced meals a day (usually breakfast and dinner - I have smaller meals around lunch time and morning/afternoon tea).

I'm also making a new grounding book. The items I have for the 5 senses no longer have that 'grounding' effect. I'll take some pics and show you my grounding book...I'm thinking of having a grounding box for here at home. Hmm

Day 93

2011-05-31T12:55:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: RAWR!

I finally submitted my last piece of assessment for the year! Yay! As a reward for my effort..I got myself a little pressie: A Kindle

I got the 6" Wi-Fi version (for Int. shipping). And it is my new best friend! I can get a lot of the classics for free because the copyright expired. It still isn't the same as holding a book. And, some of the books I want to read aren't available on Amazon.
(Yes, I have only a singlet on because I have the heater cranking out super hot air)

I type out my notes for uni so I am going to have them converted and sent to my kindle...very awesome. Saves me carrying 3 folders worth of notes. I could get super nerdy and put the audio from the podcasts on here too but I'll leave them on my iPod.

Something interesting my dr said (Dr C not Kirsten) is that he didn't realise how much trouble my period would be now that I am weight restored. So true. My housemate overheard my threatening my uterus because it's decided that I get a period every 2 weeks. No wonder I'm anaemic. It's possibly also why I feel permanently bloated. Grr. I'm guessing another trip to the GP is on the cards.

Because of that, I am at my "period weight", which is, technically, overweight. I find that laughable. I am a size 8-12 (depending on the shop/style) and able to wear some of Sarah's sample size designs. And, of the adult females of my family...I am still the "thin one". I actually think I look really good at this weight. I feel less "fat" now than I did when I was sick.

I have stopped reading gossip magazines. I have a small collection for collages but I don't read the articles. I am reading the Australian Good Food mag, mainly because it had a bag of freebies. But, it's also got an awesome Beef Goulash recipe. Yum!

Day 92

2011-05-28T12:42:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: ?

Hello Depression...
I know the pattern of my depression now. I know it gets worse around May-June. In the past, it would also mean an increase in ED behaviours...followed by a complete withdrawal from the world.

I had my first ED urge in a long time. Instead of acting on it, I prayed. I was in the shower just completely overwhelmed by the racing thoughts. Crazy eating plans, purging, pills, all racing in my head. I stood there, naked and crying and asked for support to get through this. I felt so raw and exposed. I just kept whispering: "help me through as I stand her raw in a moment of weakness"

After my shower, I boiled the kettle and made a cup of tea. Drinking in the sensual experience of the behaviour. Noticing the warmth of the kettle, the subtle smell the steam has, listening to the sound of the water hitting the cup, watching the colour as it leave the teabag and spreads through the cup, watching the swirl of white as the milk hits the tea.

The urge passed.

Day 91

2011-05-17T10:26:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sore

When I was on the antibiotics it interfered with my pill (as in "the pill") so I am at home today because I am too sore to go to uni. I only have Panadol as a pain reliever so I'm cuddling up with my heat back (or possibly Mat's hot water bottle).

I had an interesting experience this morning. I was waiting at the lights and this woman put her hand on my belly and asked when the baby was due: adding that it felt like a pretty active baby. When did it become socially acceptable to touch pregnant women's bellies? I looked at the women, paused and said "Well, I'm guessing it'll be due 9 months after I actually conceive a child...yeah, that's my digestive system that your feeling".

It hasn't phased me as much as it used to. My perception of my body image or my self esteem hasn't changed. I am just shocked at the assumptions people make. I was holding my tummy because I had an upset stomach that was churning and cramping. That doesn't mean I have a baby in there. I don't have a flat stomach. When I did, I had loose skin (from when I was obese). I think I prefer my little belly.

And, on that note I am feeling hungry so I'm going to make some toast and heat up my heat pack.

Day 90

2011-05-15T19:05:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: Content

It's been a nerdy Sunday. I had my online Multiple Regression Quiz at 9am. I've been writing and proof-reading the method and results sections of my lab report. The course only has 1st year statistics assumed so we didn't do the most 'ideal' statistical analyses. The nerd in me wants to get the raw data and run a Factorial ANOVA but it's beyond the scope of the course. I guess that's an indication that my concentration is returning...

I haven't started reading any of my books yet. I also have a few e-books to read as well. I go through these phases where I tell myself that I need to do X, Y, and Z, usually uni related, before I can take time off to read. And yet, I don't actually spend every waking hour studying. I just never seem to read during my down time. I love reading. I was a regular at the local library soon after we moved to QLD.

Day 89

2011-05-14T08:46:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: a little better

my new hair :)

The iron tablets are starting to help. Yay! I have them in the morning so I have to wait before I have my coffee. Although, they are sustained release so any time of the day would decrease the absorption. bummer. I love my warm tea and coffee.

It's another chilly day so Gherkin and I are just chillin' in bed watching DVDs. It's 13C/55F, which is cold for QLD. OK, it's cold for me. I may be a winter baby but I do not bode well in cold weather. Actually, I'm a winter solstice baby ;) It will be interesting to see if the cold affects me as much this year - this is my first winter at my set-point weight. Last year I was still a bit thin (healthy, but thin) and it wasn't fun.

Gherkin doesn't like the fan heater and keeps giving me evil stares when I turn it on. I don't have it facing him but he seems worried that I move it and it will get him. He hates the fan as well. And, it's been windy here so it has been hilarious to watch him in the wind. He puffs up his tail and darts across the yard...and the road. He really is my special little boy.

Gherkin makes me feels special. He is a one-girl kind of cat. He tolerates most of my siblings but it's me he loves. He follows me to uni, he follows me to the toilet...It think it is so important to have someone, or something, that loves you unconditionally.

Day 88

2011-05-11T19:09:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: tired

I have a few days left of my antibiotics, yay. I also found out why I have been blacking out and so tired. My iron levels were low :( I am now on Fefol: an iron and folate supplement. Dr C and I are perplexed about why it was so low. I eat red meat, poultry, and other iron-rich foods. I stopped my vegetarianism several months ago. I was eating meat when I had my last blood test 6 months ago. The only explanation is heavy periods...or something sinister. dun dun dun.

Ahh... my housemates are in the kitchen and it stuffs up my tv. I'm trying to watch Friends (it's on before the Zoo).

Oh, I got a hair cut...I look a bit pale and ick so I will hold off on a 'beauty shot' until I get my colour back a bit. I also got some more long pants, which I tried on in the store, I tried on the size 12 and you know what... it was OK. They were really comfy and a great fit. Plus, they make my legs look awesome!

Unfortunately, my favourite book store chain Borders is in voluntary administration. The Garden City store is being closed and everything is 50-70% off. You can even buy the store fittings. Someone scored some "police tape" from the launch of the underbelly range. I got a few books I've had my eye on:

Screw Inner Beauty, by Kate Harding & Marianne Kirby
Eat Spray Love, by Blossom (cute little cat biography)
Med School Confidential, by Robert Miller and Daniel Bissell
Friendly Fire, by Wil Anderson (an Aussie comedian - his written work is funnier than his stand up IMHO)
The Lucy Family Alphabet, by Judith Lucy (another Aussie Comedian)
Cleo, by Helen Brown

Maybe I'll do a few book reviews. I've been thinking of expanding this to have more than just a journal of my life without ED.

I was thinking recipes to try, books I've read, movies I've seen, a few more outside life kind of things. I do tend to live online - it's something that has predated my ED (My mum is a big nerd too and we had Internet when it was first available publicly).

Oh, and a Q & A. At any entry, feel free to ask any questions and I'll use those as ideas for a few of the upcoming entries.

Day 87

2011-05-07T21:31:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sick :(

My cold developed into a sinus infection. Boo.

I found a really great local GP. She doesn't bulk bill but I can get an immediate refund via Medicare so it's OK. I have been blacking out. It's usually when I am walking and then stop, like at the traffic lights, I get dizzy and collapse. In the past, I'd just put that off to ED complications. That's not really an explanation these days. It happened on the way to uni and I just explained it away as "Oh I am just sick". Then, I collapsed at home so I got the courage and found a doctor.

I'm now on some antibiotics for my infection. I've had a blood test to rule out anything underlying. And, I am going for a (another) Holter test to make sure my heart is still going ok.

She asked if I have been under any emotional stress. I said yes and I am in therapy and pretty clued in on my somatic symptoms of depression and anxiety. She listened. I explained that I know what an anxiety attack feels like and I can pick up on depressive flatness but I wanted to rule out anything physical just in case.

Some of my fatigue is due to lapsing on my low-gi diet. (not as in lose weight diet - as in dietary plan). It's cheaper to buy white rice, white bread etc. And that sucks because I LOVE brown rice. If I could, I would eat it every day!

The centre my new GP is at has a dietician (and a few other holistic medical practitioners) so I am asking for a referral on Tuesday (my next appointment) to just get some clear cut ideas and information for reactive hypoglycemia. I have been putting off seeing a dietician out of fear of being told to lose weight. I am going to be upfront and say "I do not want to lose weight. In fact, it would be detrimental to my mental health to do so." I think it might be nice for a dietician to work with someone not wanting/needing to make weight changes and just want advice on eating more regularly.

It makes me angry when people assume that only the lowest possible "healthy" weight is healthiest. I look healthier (and feel healthier) at a BMI of 24 than I did at a BMI of 20. And, I don't have to do much to maintain this weight. Even my metabolism has stabilised and I don't need Ensures to ward off weight loss. My body settled down and seems to be saying "I am happy like this, can we stay like this for now"

I no longer have 3 meals 3 snacks. I have 6 small meals. I no longer have the scary blood sugar drops I used to: thank goodness. When I have had my BSL tested it's borderline low (usually because I have had juice to cope with the blood test) . But, I am wondering if I could make some more adjustments to increase my energy.

My relationship with food has completely changed. I get tummy aches when I have milk. In the past, I'd stop drinking milk. Instead, I am trialling lactose-free milk (Paul's Zymil for those here in Australia). I have the full-cream milk because most of the foods I have a naturally low fat so it helps keep my intake of fats adequate. And, it tastes nicer than the low-fat version.

Ahh recovery is awesome

Day 86

2011-05-04T18:39:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: contemplative

I was watching "10 years younger" and this woman lost over 10st (she was obese) and had a lot of sagging skin. She had gastric bypass surgery and lost the weight quite fast.

I am still lighter than my highest weight but when I initially started losing weight, I was doing it under the care of a trainer and a sensible meal plan. (I was obese and it was affecting my health - I had poor circulation in my feet and my asthma was even worse than it is now). I gradually lost X kilos and my skin's elasticity didn't suffer. I naturally plateau-ed at this weight. But, by that time the ED crept back in and demanded faster and more extreme weight loss.

The weight I am at is where my skin is at it's least saggy. When I was maintaining at a lower (but still "healthy") weight, I'd have a lot of saggy skin. Now, it's all filled in and looks full and vibrant. I have extensive stretch marks from the weight loss/gain my body has endured but they are fading and only noticeable if you really look. Lucky me with my Scandinavian skin...I am already naturally fair so it blends into my "winter" tones ;) Overall, I like how I look...my face is no longer gaunt and sunken in, the weight has distributed evenly over my body - my boobs and hips scoring a decent amount ;), I HAVE boobs.

I feel like me again. This is going to sound strange but as a teenager going through high school, overweight, I thought I was supposed to be a size 6-8 like my friends. I got there but felt fake, I lost all that was me - I lost my sense of presence. I do not come from a petite family, I may have a small frame but it looks best at a size 10-12 (some stores 14). My doctor (who is always honest with me - when I was emaciated I was her 'alien patient') said I look natural. I am no longer fighting genetics/nature etc. I am accepting and embracing it.

I am a protector, I am a helper and helpers need a strong body. I have a gentle personality and I think my appearance reflects that. When I was at a lower weight I wasn't approachable. Kids at work no longer came to me when they were lost. I'd get wide-eyed stares and frozen postures. When I was at a higher weight, customers' kids would give me hugs and chat away about all things pokemon, yu gi oh, and dora the explorer.

When I think back to the best hugs I got as a kid, they were from my Granny. She was a bigger lady (when she became ill her weight became an issue) and I always felt encompassed. It was soft and comforting.

Day 85

2011-05-03T22:14:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sore and procrastinate-y

I am studying, I swear.
I am waiting for the printer to receive the PDF so I can finish of the essay. Oh, I must of unplugged it. It just keeps printing. The joys of discovering the pitfalls of psychological theories. The dynamic theory gives an idea of why certain people develop panic disorder and the cognitive-behavioural explains why a panic attack happens and keeps happening. Neither does both. But then most mental disorders do not have a clear aetiology.

I used to wonder if I was easily distracted because I was malnourished. Turns out I still get distracted now that I am eating regularly. Hence this journal post, hehe.

So, it is crunch time at uni. Assessments and exams. Stress time. Admittedly, a vulnerable time in terms of lapses. My eating does change - I do tend to switch to easy to prepare meals. Frozen veggies are my friend, as is couscous, and the packet pasta and sauce.

OK, I really should get back to studying now ;)

Day 84

2011-05-02T15:33:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: ?

I just discovered a really cool nuts site :) Harvest Box They send individual serves of nuts, dried fruits and crackers. I am waiting for my first box to arrive.

If you are in Australia and want to have a free try, I have a free code for you 13770GAJYCS . That will get you your first box free (so you can have a try). I think it's a really great tool for those trying to overcome eating issues. They are pre-packaged serves of nuts (good fats and protein) so it gives you an idea of what a serve of nuts should look like. I still never know how much I should put in my little baggies. I generally take nuts and grapes as lecture nibblies.

I am back at home in Coorparoo. Things appear to be going OK between Mat and Sarah. I am going to get a few spray bottles so they can use those instead of stomping to deter Gherkin's behaviours. The new house mate Lawrence(?) is nice. Kath moved out on Wednesday :(

I have a suitcase full of clothes to donate to Vinnies or the Salvos. I went through my "drawers" (the bookshelves with canvas boxes in them) and threw some things out. I've moved my desk so it is easier to study. I vaccuumed the floors. When I am finished and have my new sheet set I'll take some pictures to let you see my new room.

I have purple, pink, and blue organza curtains up so I have bought a black and white sheet set to reduce the amount of colour. It's a bit too much with the rainbow sheets as well. I think it will balance them out nicely. Tomorrow, I'll pick up a canvas laundry 'basket' and a garment rack. If I start sorting and throwing the things I am starting to 'hoard' now it wont become so overwhelming.

Vanaema came to visit yesterday. It was nice to sit and chat with her. She has so many great stories to tell. She's currently doing research on different translations of the bible as part of a linguistics paper. She said she'll try and find me some Estonian grammar books so I can continue to learn Estonian during my uni downtime.

I had a chat with her about uni and where I am hoping to go with it. I have decided that I'll be applying for Nursing, OT, and possibly MBBS. I honestly would love to do any of the three.

Day 83

2011-04-25T16:04:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: still chocolatey

Still munching on Easter eggs. I'd take a webcam shot but I am a bit sick (and gross) right now.

I have been reading up on course profiles of nursing, occupational therapy, and medical degrees. I am also trying to maximise the amount of neuroscience I can take in my psychology degree.

The problem with how my psychology degree is designed is: 0 clinical hours. I have spent 2 hours in total recruiting participants and administering a short experiment. That's it. For me my mild social phobia gets worse with anticipatory fear. If I were told that I'd be sitting in psychology sessions from year 1, by 4th year I'd feel confident as a practitioner. Right now, I feel confident as a wealth of knowledge on human behaviour and interaction across many psychological disciplines. I do NOT feel like I am prepared to work with clients. I have previous experience as a Youth Worker but started studying to better my employment chances. So, the more time out of that interaction the more I fear being in it. It's how my brain works, I guess

I mean sure we have our hypothetical client "Tim" in psychopathology - but I can't interact with him. We treat Tim from a purely theoretical perspective. I'm trying to write up a treatment plan and it's really hard without meeting "Tim". Maybe that is because I have been in the system long enough to meet mental health workers who do everything by the text-book.

I respond well to psycho-education and guided self-help (CBT/DBT/ACT). Token rewards however, do NOT work. They it was attempted on the ED ward and caused a strange rebelliousness in me that I didn't know I had. Others flourished on that method. I know that police checks and ethical clearance for 450 students is difficult. But, judging by how some of the people in my tutorial say they would conduct themselves - I'm a little worried..

There is a point to my rant. Um, I guess it is that I am looking forward to having ongoing clinical hours, whether it be in nursing, OT, or Medical.

Day 82

2011-04-24T10:09:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: chocolaty

Happy Easter!

I got a yummy dark chocolate bunny from mum. And, some solid chocolate eggs from the Easter Bunny. It's very yummy. We also have hot-cross buns with butter, warmed to perfection.

Mum and Rhianna are watching Little Fockers, it's not my kind of humour so I'm kind of 'half' watching. Meh.

I held my friends 1 week old son, Levi. Holding a newborn felt right. Even my friend said how calm and confident I was when I was holding him. And, that he must sense that because he slept in my arms. I'd love to be a mother - a real mum.

I want things in my life.
I want to pursue a career in health: medical/OT/nursing.
I want to pursue IT as a hobby.

Turning 25 this year is starting get in my head. I worry about getting too focused on the past. I don't want a life where I am forever handicapped by my past. I want to start living like a grown up. I want to to act and look the age I am.

I am tired of my own trauma story. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of talking about it. I want to focus on graduating uni, saving up to get out of rental places with fucktards for housemates. Sometimes I think taking about the trauma in my life makes it impact on my life rather thank talking about it because it is.

I don't feel as messed up these days. the things that stress me out are not things that had happened but are happening. I am stressed because my house-mate's aggressive, abusive boyfriend wont move out of my house, I am stressed because I am taking a full-time study load and I need to keep my GPA to get into post-grad. I am stressed because I want a job but have a resume that sucks because 2008 and 2010 are filled with hospital admissions. I want to work in retail again while I study but my last retail job ended because I was too weak to stand at a fucking register. And, I let my employer down. They fucked me around but I let them down also. I don't know how to ask the boss who has no idea about me for a reference. When I wasn't malnurished I was a good checkout chick, a really good one. But my files don't relfect that. They just document every time the ambulance was called. And the times I have had disciplinary meeting because I couldn't call up to cancel a shift because I was in HDU in RBH.

Any way, I ordered some new sheets for my bed:

(that's not my room - that's the lincraft shot

Because my current sheets make my room feel very "adolescent". I have cleaned out my wardrobe of things that don't fit or make me look under 18 instead of 25. The local charities are going to have a lot of fun with the bags of clothes I have to donate.

I finally got pet insurance for Gherkin. He is now on Accident, Illness, and Routine Care with 70% benefits. A case of Flea Allergy Dermatitis set me back $100.

I also set up a NetSaver account, an internet only savings account, to create a "my first home" savings account. That way when I need to move out of my current share accommodation I have the option of looking at an apartment with just Gherkin and I. And, I can fill it with pretty furniture and stock up on utensils and fun cooking appliances.

I have been investigating what I would have to do to apply for entry to the MBBS program at uni (medical degree). I need a minimum GPA of 5.0 (my current is 4.3 because I have a semester of fails) and I'd have to sit the GAMSAT. UQ doesn't require an interview process.

I also applied for a voluntary position at the RBH gift shop; as a shop assistant. My forte. Despite my anxieties around strangers...my people pleasing "needs" make me a damn fine checkout operator. My philosophy was always to give great service and to make the customer enjoy shopping (without an emphasis on profits but just customer loyalty).

I am not going to sit around and wait for life to hand me something better.

Day 81

2011-04-21T07:19:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: tired

Why I decided to get up at 5am? I have know idea. It's now 7am and I just want to go to sleep. I ducked over to the NightOwl to grab some yummy food for the rats (they aren't joining me on my holidays). I'm going to cook up some popcorn for them, they have some agave syrup covered nut bars, so raw pasta, a few dried lentils and a few other yummies I can find in my cupboard.

I'm heading to Mum's for the Easter break. Gherkin is coming too. My place is a little "chaotic" right now so I just nee some time out. Plus, it will be awesome to see the family. Despite my therapist's reservations about me going back to my childhood home, I think it is a good thing for me.

I am glad that I will get to spend an extra day there but the early wake up (and pack) isn't cool.

I still need to source some easter eggs for my siblings - I can always walk up to the local Woolies at mum's place. I'm all ready but I think I'll wait before putting Gherkin in the cat carrier

Day 80

2011-04-19T22:17:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sad

One of the hardest parts of recovering are the ones who get left behind. The friends you make in treatment who never seem to get past the blocks preventing them from a full recovery. Or even worse, the ones the illness takes away.

Eating disorders are a terribly isolating illness. They push away loved ones; leave them too scared to challenge you out of fear of losing you. They become all consuming and years can fade away catering to, or fighting the thoughts and behaviours. It's perhaps why eating disorder recovery sites on the internet have many members. The site I am on has over 4 200 members. However, one of our precious members passed away.

It illustrates the seriousness of eating disorders. They fuel themselves by creating an isolated world. The sad truth is...people die.

The girl who was wheeled out of the ED ward to medical, whose spot I was given on the ED program, she didn't make it either. I wish I could say that being on the ED ward "saved me". That it meant something. It kept me alive but it didn't save me. Only I had the power to do that.

So tonight I cry for those lost and tomorrow I shall rise and live with the gratitude that I am still alive.

RIP Linda, may your soul be at rest and finally shall you have peace

Day 79

2011-04-14T14:55:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: pretty

So I have had a shower and as promised...some of my new clothes!

I also had a dress but I couldn't seem to take a decent shot

Yeah, I am a dork ;)

Day 78

2011-04-14T09:11:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nerdy

Hi, my name is Keira and I am a nerd. *waves*

Dr C asked me why I don't do IT. I was chatting about Linux and .deb files (because I can't get my dvds to play on my Linux Laptop).

I managed to hook up my Linux Laptop to the internet via my mobile wireless internet dongle. At the moment there isn't the setup files for it to run on a Linux OS so...I hooked it up to a 3G router and now both my laptops and my iPod touch can access the one connection. Plus, I secured the wifi connection so people don't steal my downloads. I even called the connection "dont steal my wifi" hehe..

I was learning HTML and CSS before it was "cool" to do so. And, I would use NotePad to design webpages. I remember when there was an actual "phone book" of websites and they still used IP-like addresses.

Nerd is part of who I am. I am currently learning the BASH command for Linux, now that DOS is pretty much not used any more. I missed being the nerdy one. The eating disorder took that from me...I went from being the kooky nerdy Keira to the melancholy anorexic Keira.

I got some new clothes too. I'm taking a sabbatical from uni (I am a bit...ungrounded today so it's safer for me to stay at home) so once I have had a shower I'll get my fashion on ;) I feel and look more grown up in my new clothes :D

Day 77

2011-04-12T09:15:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nerdy

Once again, I am hitting the textbooks...well actually, today is my day of lectures. I've got one at 10 and another at 4. I got paid today so I'm going to enjoy a take away lunch here at uni. Nom nom.I had fish and chips last fortnight :) It started off as an "ED challenge" but now it's just a special treat that I look forward to.

Hmm, I am getting excited just at the idea of having a meal here. I might go to Wordsmiths and have a cafe-style lunch.

I got to have a "real" coffee this morning too. I find just ordering a regular vanilla latte is yummier than when I order a skinny. I use reduced fat milk these days (2% for those in the US...I dunno do they use percentages in the UK too) mainly out of convenience because my housemates drink it too.

The line up for the computers is getting long so I should actually do some uni work ;)

Day 76

2011-04-11T12:34:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: hungry...

Yay! I finished my statistics essay!

I'm hanging out in the UQ hospital library here at RBH (don't worry, I am still an OP here) getting my study on.

I get to have another wardrobe update! Turns out, I was thinner in the winter months...or just that all the warm clothes were from when I was sick. I need new jeans and jumpers. Bring on the shopping spree! I also want to update my look a bit. Sometimes I feel like I dress too young for my age. I want to look like I am 25 not 15.

Maybe I'll have some fun at put up some "fashion" shots of me. hehe

It is really nice being at a healthy weight. I have so much more freedom. I have had weird, killer cravings for cereal and red meat (not together...ew) so I satisfy that rather than trying to "Factor it in". I have crazy long days were I have to munch on small meals through the day and then others where I feel like a nice big meal. And, you know what...neither really impacts on my weight or mood too drastically. I can just live and not have to plan my life relentlessly.

My fatigue is starting to lift as well! Daily Berocca seems to help. So does having one day a week with double seroquel. I've noticed on the Thursday night I seem to need an additional PRN dose to help calm my racing brain. I have a nice sleep in on Friday (my day off) and have a lazy day. It seems to help.

Day 75

2011-04-06T19:13:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nerdy

I am here, slowly being surrounded by articles and books about social facilitation, psychodynamic and Cognitive-behavioural models of panic disorder with agoraphobia. I love love love being a student. Honestly I do. I just wish my body would join the party. Whatever this lurgy is that Kirsten may have shared with me, it's not cool. Really, not cool.

I know I need to accept my body's energy levels for what they are but...I just wanna do normal things. I want to have the energy for an all day study session. I want to have the energy to actually go back to the gym (it makes me too tired at the moment - nearly had a nap on the walk home).

Yeah...I'm in a whiny mood. I guess it comes with actually being in touch with my feelings and thoughts ...and my physical body.

I have somewhat come to peace with my body shape. I think it looks good. Who cares is my weight is on the border of some arbitrary definition of health vs overweight. Heck, I am still the smallest size in some stores. So there is no real point in worrying about it. I don't look sick (as in underweight or morbidly obese), as far as I know, my vitals are back to normal, and I don't have to 'diet' to 'maintain my figure.'

I really don't have the time to study calories. And I have been so focused on other things that I am slowly forgetting the calorie bank I had in my head. I have a pretty good memory for numbers so it's interesting that it's being lost (memory wise). I remember my full bank account number, my patient number at 3 hospitals, my high school and TAFE student numbers... I use numbers and colours to remember things at uni.

And yet, I still use my fingers for basic arithmetic. hehe

Day 74

2011-04-03T14:09:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sore

I have internet! Yay. I am taking a 3 course semester so I've been kinda swamped with uni. I had one mini exam and an essay due so I've been focusing on them. I also have another essay (half of a lab report) and an experiment to do so I'll probably still be vague here. I am still on my recovery path. I had an awesome lunch and now I am sipping on some lovely sweet tea.

I am loving my wheat-pack at the moment. I've come down with something and my body aches (ew), my tummy is a bit yucky, and my glands are up. Blah. I'm watching lots of DVDs and doing a little typing of my notes.

When I find myself contemplating an disordered behaviour (restricting, purging...) I tend to say "if my mind wants to do some calculating and planning ...it can do it on my course material" I don't always do 'course work' sometimes it's just figuring out study plans. But, it refocuses me into current reality Keira - the uni student, the nerd, the inner geriatric (hehe), the baker...Anorexic/Bulimic doesn't come into my current reality definition.

I am at the stage where it would take more effort to relapse than it would to stay recovering. I have very set in regular eating habits. My body likes being the size it is. (My mind just needs to get on board). With a full-time study load, I don't know I have the time to relapse ;)

Day 73

2011-02-27T11:40:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nerdy excited

I have an valid reason for the lack of entries, I swear. I have been madly getting ready for uni this semester and I only have prepaid internet at home. From next week I'll be on campus 4 days a week, plus extra during assessment writing times. So I will get onto this being a "daily" look at a post-ed life.

I didn't really set a deadline for this so I might set one now. By the end of 2011, I want to reach 365 days. Then I'll probably create another journal to keep sharing my life beyond then. I like to share.

I have finished summer semester, the grades have been released. I got a 5 - Credit!! Yay! I am beyond excited about that. Next week I start: statistics, Psychopathology, and Social and Organisational psychology. Semester 1 is considered full time then in the second semester I'll be taking a part time load.

And on that note, I forgot to bring lunch so I'm gonna head off home (to the land of no internet *Gasps*) and make something yummy for lunch. (it.s 11.40am)

Day 72

2011-02-07T16:32:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sore

I'm getting back into an exercise routine. I have waited because I always had "doubts" about why I was really going back. I want to go back because I feel unfit. I'm hoping to help my asthma. I have trouble breathing when I walk up steep hills (like the killer hill at the hospital). The gym is a 15 min walk from my home so it's easy to get back into a routine without having to plan for nearly 2hrs travel.

This week (at least) I'm going one day on, one day off. I'm a bit sore today - I went yesterday. I feel like I keep myself weak...I'm scared to have physical strength. It's all tied in with how some of my family members express anger. I'm a bit scared of my capabilities. But, I also feel vulnerable because I'm not very physically strong.

Because it is a change to my activity levels - I've decided to start re-keeping a food diary. My fluid intake needs to be looked at. Especially with the heat/humidity here in QLD. My intake is looking good still :D A nice variety of foods and a few special treats.

Day 71

2011-02-05T18:30:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: settled

I'm trying to type this and pat Gherkin at the same time. Yep, my cat is finally living with me. The rats are here too! I have moved in. I'm on a lease!! I was honest about all the things that make my application "not so great". I went in and said... "yes, I am bankrupt but it will be discharged in July this year"

No photos yet...because I'm still living out of boxes so when I've unpacked I'll get on to photos. The place is small, just enough for the 3 of us. We has some drinks last night (and I have realised I cannot drink while on meds at least) and I opened up about having a mental health diagnosis. I explained it a little bit but the girls I live with aren't likely to be they type to want to "save me". I don't mean that in a negative way...just that they are very laid back and I think realise that I'm on top of things.

I've been really stressing about moving, tidying, and finances etc... that I was forgetting to eat. It wasn't a conscious thing, I honestly was so scattered I didn't realise until I stopped and realised I didn't feel right. I have 'invested' in 12 up&go poppers so I have something... I am cooking dinner right now - beef and vegetable Bologna. nom nom.

I have been extremely lucky in that my house was unaffected by the flooding. I was unable to go home because the roads there were flooded and dangerous but my home was safe. I took a bus from Chapel Hill to Mt Ommaney (an affected area) and there were hollowed houses with makeshift signs thanking the Mud Army Volunteers. That's what I love about Australia...people donned the gumboots armed with brooms and shovels and helped people get their houses back. People they don't know. It's how I want to live my life. Be open to lend a friendly hand...

Day 70

2011-01-30T19:07:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: excited

I'm with a friend now, staying here a few days before I move. Oh yeah, I found a place. In a great area. Close to the hospital and uni AND the city. It's pretty central. When I get my room set up I'll post pics.

If you read this Maddy, you are awesome! Thank you so much for letting my sleep over for a few days. The rats are doing their bit for the rat popularity. They have been a big hit. They aren't the icky gross rats that people imagine and the are greatly surprised.

On some exciting news... I finished my Intelligence Essay. It was part of my downfall in semester two. I have to go in and do some statistics and I'll have my second essay - a lab report. I will finish this summer semester!

Day 69

2011-01-25T19:07:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nostalgic

It's really happening. My life is in boxes—due to go into storage on Tuesday. I'm staying with a friend for a couple of weeks until I find somewhere permanent. I am still hoping for the Toowong unit.

I'm going to miss living here. There have been some "interesting" times here. I went to vacuum my floor (there is rat raisins here) but one of my house-mates has "re-designed" it and I don't know what it actually does now. One of the joys of having engineers as roomies.

When Rey still lived here we'd often have communal dinner nights. He has the best pumpkin soup recipe...it was so nice.

We melded really well as a household. It was the closest thing I've had to family life in a while. And, it's going to be sad to see it end. It will also be a new adventure.

On a different note, the rats have regained their health. They are both still sneezy, but that's a forever thing we'll have to manage. I've got a rough weight and they have put on another 100g each :D they still have another 200g to gain so I'll keep them with the Ensures. They seem to love it too.

Day 68

2011-01-24T18:45:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: strangely calm

I went to the interview for the room out at Toowong. It's a small unit but the girl I'd be living with was really cool. And, after 7 years the excitement of housemate interviews wears off. It's not a novelty, it's a pain. I will admit that I totally used my cat (and rats) as leverage - I took kitten pics with me. I think there is one more person who has shown interest and she'll make her mind up after that. I've emailed back saying I am very much interested (and happy to wait). The only issue is the place is available from the 24th Feb not Jan like I had read. I'm having some dyslexic moments lately.

But, I've contacted a removalist/storage place about a short-term storage of my belongings and I have a two-week sleep over at a friend's place. I'm waiting back to make sure she is still cool with the arrangement. I am generally patient but some things I feel so anxious I just want the wait to end. Housing issues being one of them.

The mini-skip arrived. The delivery guy was really friendly - I recommend them 1300clearout. It's $120 for 3cubic metres and I've not filled that yet. I'm hoping the others will use it too (and possibly put in for it).

I've decided to upgrade my tv - I have one, slightly bigger, on laybuy. Until then, I can watch tv on my laptop (and record it too!)

Day 67 - the start of the great packing adventure!

2011-01-23T12:14:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sore and exhausted

For those of you that are "fortunate" enough to be my facebook friends, you'll notice a running theme in my status updates. I have just carted 5x 56L capacity "tuff" bags of stuff out of my house and I'm no where near finished. Yes, I am a hoarder. It probably why I was starting to feel stressed at home - the place was full of clutter! I have a mini-skip coming some time tomorrow (hopefully, in the morning) so I can get rid of all this stuff!

I have been surprisingly motivated to throw stuff away. I sorted and cleaned the group room while in hospital. It is incredibly dusty in here now... and I feel a bit dirty, eww.

Day 66

2011-01-19T20:13:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: hopeful

Floods Floods everywhere!

Fortunately, the unit didn't flood (yes, I am still an inpatient). But, the roads to my place were. I was unable to get home for several days (and haven't been home yet). In theory because I was unable to travel to my home for more than 24 hours it makes me eligible for disaster relief assistance but I'm not going to put in a claim. As far as I know, our home sustained no damage.

I am however, in the process of finding a new home. As of Feb 4, 2011 Chapel Hill may no longer be my home town. :( It will be sad to move on but I am also excited. So far I have found two places that will allow me to bring my beloved Gherkin with me :)

This will be my 15th move in my "adult" life. I guess I've got the process down pat. I go home on Saturday so I can start to cull and pack. Then, I have a "meet and greet" on Sunday at one place...similar area.

Day 65

2011-01-09T15:03:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: indescribable

I am really in the mood for music lately. I'll give you a screen cap of the current Artists I'm listening too.

An recommendations (based on who I listen to) would be cool. I love the current bands/artists I am listening to... I just want a big range so I can have a variety for different moods etc.

I exchanged a dress that I really don't have the bust for :( It was a size 10 and I'd need at least a D cut to fill it (I'm only a C if you were interested—no well now you know anyway). I had lost the receipt so I got a store credit :D I got some earrings, headbands, groovy magnets, scented highlighters, a calendar (for a friend), and a 50pk of Crayola pencils (to be sorted).

I also got a few smiggle things for my stay here in hospital. We start group work tomorrow...so I needed books ;)

Also, if you guys are interested...I am doing the 365 project :D (http://squirrel365.tumblr.com) It's hard here in hospital because I have to be careful what I photograph - no staff/patients or any distinctive structures etc. Also, my internet connection is limited so I tend to bulk post a few days at a time. Not perfect but its how I can do it in here.

Day 64

2011-01-08T04:39:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sleepy

These 2-4 am posts are getting a bit frequent. Proof that recovery isn't this easy "I wheeled in to IP and came out recovered" While I feel recovered from my ED (I am listening to my body's needs - which apparently involves 4 am ice cream)

I have extensive trauma spanning a long period of time. And, no pill can take away the memories that are calling to be processed. It hurts like hell. Both physically (with the body memories) and emotionally (the shame and fear about talking). I'm not going to sugar coat trauma therapy and say it's easy. It's worth it--I crap load of work and internal acceptance but worth it.

The release as each little secret is set free from my fragile heart. Making room for the present. Allowing me to be present. Grounding is the foundation of work here. If you can't come back to now, trauma therapy is dangerous.

I am proud of myself. I have been here since the 18th Dec and no self-injury despite increased urges and thoughts. I have been present for every session bar one with Dr C. I'm not needing so much prompting from staff to ground, I can do it independently.

I have a drawer of things that bring pleasure when I do them (loads of books, play-doh, colouring in books, sudoku + wordsearch, my aerial [to watch the Zoo - a Keira staple]) We have access to the art room at 6pm each night. I'm thinking of buying a crochet kit or look at getting a small cross-stitch set (at the RBH).

Like my therapists often say - I suck at lying so I'm gonna be honest with where I am at. I don't know, my journal could help someone else with a trauma background get an idea of therapy without hearing my back-story. I refrain from telling my story (a) because I have read about 'contamination' where it blurs other stories [it's a boundary here], (b) it is upsetting and triggering for people, and (c) it gives fellow survivors/thrivers something to 'compare' to when they are feeling down...e.g. "She went through so much more/less than I did therefore she X whereas I Y" which makes therapy suck and hard.

Traumatic experiences are subjective. HOW they affect you determine how "severe" they are ...for you...

Trauma therapy for me, could only happen once I was ED-free. So it seems fitting to mention it in my 365 ED free blog.

Day 63

2011-01-06T20:29:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: some feelings of shame

Eating disorder recovery doesn't end with weight restoration and regular eating. For some of us, it shields something deeper. The things my ED shields I have used multiple harmful methods to run away from. My self-destruction would shift from one thing to another.

But then I stopped running. Now, I am in a supportive environment where I am free to talk about the "things" inside I binged, starved, purged away. As this is a open blog I shall not delve into details. But, the ED was fuelled by a great shame. Shame about the "things" in my past, shame about what I was doing as an adult (i.e. my eating disorder). The shame tag game. I ended up with shame about being shamed about doing things to hide the shame. Enough to blow ones mind--or at least land them in a mental health facility.

I think shame is a normal part of the process. It doesn't feel good and it may not be based on fact (i.e. something to be shameful about) but it's often there. And the less I berate myself about feeling shame the less my overall shame levels are.

So, my new challenge in this wonderful recovery is to challenge the shame: how useful is it to hold on to? What keeps me hooked on the 'shame stories'? Hmm... some deep thoughts for this girl in recovery.

Day 62 (retrospective)

2011-01-04T02:54:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: nerdy

From 13th December

I really do feel like a perpetual student at the moment. Assessments for psychology are online submission ONLY now. When I started only a few faculties were using Turnitin (turn-it-in) which searches journals and the internet and compares it to you work (and other assessments past and present).

Our course centre is no more... We now get our results via sms rather than hitting refresh on the enrollment site at 6am (shuddup, I know I'm not the only one because the site always crashed).

I've got a serious twitch/jerk happening in my right leg. It actually has an effect on my entire body.

Any way, I've seen new buildings be put in, the elimination of compulsary union fees (VSU came in when I transferred unis).

I graduated high school in 2003. I enrolled in a BA at Griffith Uni (Gold Coast) in 2004...left. My intro psych subject was us listening to the lecturer READ the textbook..word for word.

I started second semester in a B Human Services and Criminal Justice (?) QTAC did my application wrong and I ended up in a totally different course to what I put down.

Then in 2005 I enrolled (and completed) a Diploma of Youth Work with a Cer IV in Juvenile Justice.

Mid year 2006 I enrolled in a BA at UQ, where I have been ever since. I expect to graduate at the end of 2012...I've got two years that I withdrew (2008 and 2010).

THEN, I hope to go into a M OccThySt in the summer of 2012...and graduate 2014. Although sometimes I do toss up between OT and nursing....

Every so often I'll pull out my Diploma and look at it...as a reminder that I CAN finish a degree and graduate

Day 61 (retrospective)

2011-01-04T02:51:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nostalgic (?)

From Dec 23, 2010

these "retrospectives will not be in chronological order. I'm rebelling against chrolological order ;)

[23/12 was the date I lost my girlfriend Mel to suicide]

Today I took a bus into Southbank and buried my letter to Mel. It was one of those moments where I had to be alone and I couldn't tell anyone what I was doing. I just left the unit and hopped on the bus.

I think people take feelings for grant it. I was in the bookshop yesterday, searching for 'the Confidence Gap' and I saw "Destructive Emotions: and how to overcome them". I wonder how helpful judging emotions as destructive is.

I mean right now I feel: sad, angry, betrayed, guilty... scared.
It doesn't feel great, in fact it feels really sucky. But you know what the emotions aren't destructive, the actions to avoid/overcome them are. I feel all these things because Mel was a very special person in my life. She was my first love. And, it hurts so much that she is not here. She showed me she loved me. When we first started "going out" we were the typical sickeningly lovey-dovey couple. One morning I had slept over and she slipped a love note in my pyjama pocket. We bought each other Care Bears for when I moved back to Mum's. [if anyone spots a tenderheart bear...let me know]

But most of all I just miss her…I miss hugs and stupid jokes to make me laugh. I miss looking up at the clouds making bizarre stories. I miss having someone I felt comfortable talking to. Someone outside of the health profession. I miss knowing what it felt like to know someone loved me.

I hate that it feels like an eternity since I’ve seen her but still as painful as the day she died. I know I want to be able to “feel” again but it’s so scary. I wish they let me have her Tenderheart Care Bear rather than giving it away. I hope that if I hugged my care bear long enough that she’d feel it too.

I have such mixed concepts of after death. I don’t believe in a Heaven/Hell (well the religious judgement day type stuff my Vanaema sprouts at me). I do believe in reincarnation but I also feel that I can sense others (e.g. my Granny). Sometimes I think there is a place “beyond” where we all go–and are reunited. I blame dodgy scripture classes and my mum’s ever-changing religious/spiritual beliefs growing up. I have this warped sense of life and death.

Day 60

2011-01-03T06:12:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: hungry

Ah, medication munchies how I love thee. Randomness for the day: I have a craving for Ensure/Ensure Plus! I couldn't tell you why; I haven't lost any weight recently. We have 2 spares in the fridge here at hospital from a patient (who has now left) so I can have that.

I am getting started on my plan to read more :) I took advantage of the sales at Angus & Robertson and scored 4 new books: fiction books.

Tomorrow, When the War Began, John Marsden
and God Created the Au Pair, Bēnēdicte Newland & Pascale Smelts
Before I Fall, Lauren Oliver
Almost Moon, Alice Sebold

I am currently reading "The Time Traveller's Wife" by Audrey Neffenegger, which has been a great book to read so far. If you want to keep up with my reading adventures I do have a Goodreads.com account (www.goodreads.com/misskeira)

Also, as if I haven't committed to enough things...I'm doing the 365 photo a day project, on tumblr. squirrel365.tumblr.com.

Day 59: New Years Day, 2011

2011-01-01T12:00:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: sleepy

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011, I hope, will be a year of change and growth for me [and you, my readers]. I also hope that I will have more in my life to tell you about, and maybe actually get to 365 days. I spent NYE with my mum, the cats, the dogs, and Harpic the duck (photo below). Harpic is currently munching on cat biscuits and spilling their water. Funny enough, the cats are scared of him--he nips at them and they don't like that. Hehe.

Harpic aka Duck Duck

Some things I want to achieve/work towards this year! Not a resolution but it's something :)

1. Attempt (and hopefully complete) a 3/4 load in semester1
1.a. And a 1/2 load in semester 2
2. To settle into a new place and make it feel like a home
3. To learn some new baking recipes and improve my baking skillz
4. To develop a healthy exercise routine
5. To go somewhere I have never been before
6. To start a NZ + Canada trip savings plan
7. To have Gherkin living with me
8. To spend more time out and socialising
9. To make a new friend
10. To look at dating and be open to friends matchmaking efforts (I know I am setting myself up there)
11. To continue working with Andrew and Kirsten
12. To practice the ACT skills from The Happiness Trap and The Confidence Gap (by Dr Russ Harris)
13. To read at least 2 books a month
14. To look into a casual job (office filing, or even retail again - call me)

Day 58

2010-12-28T13:11:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: worn out

It has been a while between posts. It's taken over a year to get to day 58. Thank you all for being wonderfully patient readers. I am back in hospital, don't worry it was planned (by me). I have a few posts to put up to talk about my time here so the next few 'days' will be like a retrospective episode. But for today, I'll share with you some thoughts about a TDU Christmas and exploring my faith.

We had a lovely Christmas here in the trauma ward. We all supported each other through the day. The unit is like a big extended family and I think that's why it works here. The staff are all genuine and caring. Without telling our 'horror' stories we all know each other's sufferings. We have different stories but have very similar challenges in our lives today.

*talk about religion - don't worry, I am respectful*

I've been "re-evaluating" my faith. It really is a Christian-Buddhist mix, to be honest. Although, I have been so blessed to have been exposed to a range of different religions and spiritualities throughout my life. So, I think my spirituality is informed by more than just Buddhism and Christianity. I remember going to church with Vanaema (she is Lutheran) and feeling "something". My belief is that G-d is part of us rather than an external deity. And, they are free of judgements and as we move closer to freeing ourselves of the hurtful judgements we place upon ourselves and others, we move closer to G-d (out of respect for the Jewish members, I often don't write out His name in full). Tolerance is a step towards judgementless-ness. To tolerate something is to still feel the judgements inside but still having the respect to allow others to express their own beliefs.

In a way, having a mental illness and going through therapy has shown me that maybe there isn't One True Path. How can there be one way for 6.7 billion+ people each with their own environments, societies, and uniqueness(es)? 15% of the world's population will suffer from depression and yet, to date, there is no One perfect cure/treatment. I think like therapy, religion can be shaped to fit with each of us 6.7 billion people who live on this Earth.

...The girls here took me to Koorong (the Christian bookstore) and it tapped into my spiritual side. Plus, death (and surviving) brings up a lot of the existential things.

Day 57

2010-12-11T21:54:00.002+10:00

I am feeling: a little hungry

I have the potato salad recipe saved in my drafts on blogger. I went shopping and forgot the ingredients so I might duck down and get them tomorrow. Day 58 can be potato salad recipe time. As my mood starts to fluctuate (due to an interaction with my Yaz and an "unexpected" monthly visit) I'm finding comfort in food. Not in an emotional, unmindful way—I am not binging my feelings. But, I am eating foods that comfort me. My mum's fried rice recipe, frozen strawberry yoghurt, english muffins with butter and vegemite, mum's stir-fry beef recipe, and rice pudding from a tin. I've also got a small block of dark orange chocolate in the fridge, too. Yum! These foods are ones that I have associated with pleasant memories. Much like the potato salad. When I am sick, I always have unbuttered vegemite toast (the butter is too dense and I feel queasy) because that's what mummy would give me. I still (and will probably always) have weetbix for breakfast.

Food isn't this horrible thing that I "have to" consume every 4 hours (well, 2 hrs for me). It has the ability to be soothing. I was sitting here, uncomfortably hot and muggy and it was so cooling and soothing to scoop the frozen yoghurt in my mouth. (and share it with my ratties too). I look forward to meals because they are "old favourites" and they are treasured food memories from my childhood.

Interestingly, I have also acquired new "favourites" from my eating disorderedness. I was never a big salad eater. But, during my eating disorder...I'd often have salads. Now, they are a side dish to my lunch/dinner rather than being the sole meal. I discovered different salads as I broke away from the disorder. I stopped with my "Caesar salad" (with ff dressing, no bacon or Parmesan...it was cos lettuce and a few croutons - really tangy but unsatisying) and had Caesar salad in it's "true" form, I tried warm salads, roast vegetable salads, couscous salads, rice salads, meat-based salads... I discovered that I like salad dressings that aren't "fat free"...I'm not a fan of tangy foods and the vinegar in the fat free dressings was overpowering for me.

And, I'm making myself hungry now ;)

P.S. my "other" blog is nearly up and running ( http://adifferentkindofcrazy.blogspot.com/)

Day 56

2010-12-10T14:50:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: hungry

I have a craving for my mum's potato salad. It's a traditional Estonian recipe and the only type of potato salad I love. The prepackaged potato salads in the supermarkets are too tangy for my tastes. My mum's has sour cream instead of mayo. I'm hoping my sister can copy the recipe from mum's Estonian Cookbook so I can make some (and share the recipe with you all). It is the best part of Christmas. It's hot here over Christmas so rather than a hot cooked meal we get cool salads and cold meats (and vegetarian alternatives).

There are so many foods I stopped eating when my eating disorder was at its worse. I had a very bland "diet" and I was so focused on eating it in a particular order that I never truly enjoyed it. Now, I am finding myself wanting those foods I eliminated. I have the thought, "I feel like 2 minute noodles" followed by "Oh, I don't eat that" ...then followed by "why don't I eat it?" And I honestly can't remember.

*squee* The recipe just came through via email. Potato salad for me! The worst part is it is best if you prepare it a day ahead. :( Yum yum yum! Day 57 will be my first recipe entry!

Day 55

2010-12-09T21:54:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: ?

I don't think I'd be this far into recovery without my hiccups along the way. I have had several lapses and relapses in a variety of severity. I didn't go: sick, sicker, sickest, better, best. It was up and down. I never got as bad as I did in 2008 again but I did get close at times. Just like there is no (living) "perfect" anoretic, there is no "perfect" recoverer. No one has a smooth journey out of the dark, cold grasp of an eating disorder. If it was...would we need WBB? would we struggle with eating disorders for so long despite wanting to change.

And, as sucky as they were...in hindsight, I am grateful for the lapses. It forced me to re-evaluate my motivations for recovering. What was at the crux of my eating disorder and what is at the heart of my recovery? What is it that stopped me from skipping a meal or binging and purging or engaging in other behaviours? And what is it that keeps the eating disorder with me. We can't overcome what we don't know.

I learnt about the enmeshment of all my mental health issues. The 'domino' effect when one starts to impact on me. I learnt about what truly works for me and what I was hoping would (but didn't). With every lapse, I learnt that I was able to pick myself up. I learnt more about my eating disorder cues...

Day 54

2010-12-08T21:23:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: tired

I feel like I'm constantly on the go. It's been hectic with my dentist appointments and neuro tests. My doctor has noted down Chronic Fatigue on my CT request. Something about seeing that written down validates the fact that I don't have the stamina to do some things. I don't feel guilty that I need rest breaks, it is just how things are. I am still trying to do as much as I can manage. I am still able to attend uni, so I do. I am still able to get up in time for day group, so I do. I can't work and study together, so I don't.

I am up to week 4 in my summer semester, which is now been named "summer school". Surprisingly apt. We've got a tentative perfectionism scale and next week we are going to find some scales to validate our new scale against. Sounds incredibly dry but I love it.

Day 53

2010-12-05T17:26:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: overwhelmed

Ahh the joys of finding accommodation. It's a little easier now that rental properties are available online.

Where do I want to live? Townhouse? House? Two-storey or single level?

What area do I want to live in? pets?

Honestly, the type of house is less important to me as the cost and possibility of pets is. I would love to move in and have Gherkin living with me. It would also give me a reason to get my license...I'd need it to take him down to see his vet.

The worst part is the potential rejection and not being able to find a place. I can't live with my mum. So...where will I be in February if I can't find a place

Day 52

2010-12-04T12:21:00.006+10:00

I am feeling: generous

Hey hey...'Tis the season. December = Christmas madness. And yes, I am not immune. Want to receive a Christmas Card from someone you barely know (i.e. me)?

If you are convinced I am really a female in Australia who lives in her room watching cartoons and not some creepy old guy in an in a internet cafe...and would like to get a Xmas card from me. Email me at littlemisskeira@hotmail.com with your address (International and local are welcomed) and you will receive a "hand signed" Christmas card from all of us here at One year + one Girl (i.e. me).

Don't celebrate Christmas? let me know and I can get a non-Christmas card. I have seen Hanukkah cards this year...

I am happy to give you my mailing address in return, should you want to send me one too *hint hint*. And, if you think the card wont arrive until after the 18th December they will have to be sent via the hospital. I'm happy to give either address.

Day 51

2010-12-03T14:44:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: talkative

Yeah, I thought I'd mix it up and do a video blog (or two)

A look at my room and the prospect of moving (again!)

Video about my Career Goals (YouTube)

Day 50

2010-12-02T19:36:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: tired

I had some x-rays taken at the dentist after my braces were removed (and my tooth fixed). The dentist found my wisdom teeth. I had my top wisdom tooth filled today because the metal band was flattened and there was food stuck and ...blah blah, it scored a cavity. Those (most) of you may not know but my orthodontist is a paediatric dentist. I am his oldest patient. Theoretically, I should be seen at the adult clinic one suburb over but for what ever reason, I get to stay with the children's clinic.

For someone who has extensive trauma (and a tendency to regress in age) having a medical professional who treats kids is a bonus. He is very gentle...today I got numbing cream before the needle, the nurse held my hand, and both kept telling me how I was a "good girl, going so well". They were nurturing and kind like they would be with any other (younger) patient. And, I think with someone as dental phobic as I (I scored 88 on the dental phobia scale in class) I really need that.

Any way, back to the wisdom teeth. It is a possibility that I may get to "keep" them all but he wants to get a proper x-ray so he can see if they are going to cause any pain/issues.

I do have some gum issues from both the braces and the ED behaviours but regular brushing and medicated mouth wash will help that (now that I can brush properly again). I am lucky that apart from a few small cavities, my teeth survived!

Day 49

2010-12-01T17:16:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: excited

Check it out! No braces!

It was my "something exciting" day yesterday. I had to leave home at 4.40am to get to the Dentist on time at 7.30am. I was out by the clinic by 8.15am. He also fixed the chip in my tooth I got on a camping trip. Yay! 5 years of orthodontic work has finally come to an end.

Andrew has ordered a series of neurological work up because he realised that I never got them when I was first diagnosed with a mental illness. My EEG is on Monday. Then, a CT scan. Yay...more tests. I guess we get to see if my brain is there ;)

I didn't even know that this was the standard...

Day 48

2010-11-29T19:10:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nerdy

So, I'm at uni now (trying to get use to the Mac OS) after my first lecture in Principles of Psych Assessment. I took the initiative and told the lecturer/coordinator that I am repeating the subject. I'm having my DAP (Disability Action Plan) re-emailed to him and spoke about the difficulties I had with the essay. It is the same question (validity of Intelligence testing) so I can start looking for resources now/use my existing essay. He said he's improved the info booklet with some "better" resources.

I also let him know that I will be in hospital from the 10th Jan (the last 3 weeks of semester) but I can get to Tutorials. I thought it was best to let him know now so if I have any issues he is aware a) I'm with disability services and b) that I have had issues last attempt.

I'm feeling excited about being back at uni. I still feel very anxious about things but I just observe it rather than delve into it. My body has a sensation of wanting to move during lectures but I know I have access to the recordings so I don't take detailed notes and focus on just getting an understanding in my head. Now that it's finished I'll go over the notes (we get PPT slides) and review it when the recording is live.

My old uni email is heavily spammed and it gets redirected to my new uni email account. So I have to sift through 500 posts to find the uni related ones And, online, it uses "outlook for web" which is a pain because you can't just CTRL +A and delete all the useless ones... *headdesk*

I even woke up nice and early so I could get ready for my first day of "school" hehe.

I've got to go food shopping this afternoon. Going to pick up a box of Cheerios so I can take little "baggies" with me to uni on Mon/Tue (and to have on hand during other times). And...possibly some flavoured milk poppers.

Day 47

2010-11-28T22:23:00.002+10:00

I am feeling: kinda tired

Uni starts to-morrow! (yes the hyphen is there for dramatic effect). I spent the last few days at a friend's place so I haven't been able to update. Note to self: power cord is important. I helped her set-up her pre-graduation party. :D I was at the "kiddies table" apparently.

My friend, her boyfriend, and her other close friend are all over 6 foot. I'm 5 foot 5...so a party game was to make a Mintie wrapper chain taller than me. And yes, they did succeed.

I have a new "obsession"...Big Bang Theory! We watched 2 entire seasons while I was there, and got my friend hooked on the show as well. WIN! But, what was really great was how well we gelled as a trio: my friend, her boyfriend, and I. I am...once again, single (hello ladiez! ;) ). But, I never felt like the third wheel. In fact, it was like we were all long time friends...despite only knowing each other for 4-5 days (well her boyfriend and I).

There was so much food at the party. We had a nice variety of entrees, mains, and dessert. And, we had a lot today for dinner...nothing says party like left overs. WIN! Yes... food = win. I have developed a great sense of freedom. There were so many dishes that 2 years ago I would have avoided...but Saturday night, I ate them and enjoyed it immensely. Yay!

My timer for my hair dye has just gone off so I will leave it there.
Love ya

edit: I realise this is actually day 47 not 46

Day 46

2010-11-23T21:39:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: content

Today was great! I woke up at 4am...not so cool. But, I managed to get a few things done before I had to leave for my Tue appointment with Kirsten. She said I don't seem so crazy lately. I mentioned the medication withdrawal...and that I wanted to not come off it because it was scary. (Or at least do a really really slowly) She said the medication I'm on now (a SNRI) seems to be having a positive effect.

I got forms in for Medicare, get exemption from academic penalty (for withdrawing from uni after the census date due to illness), filled in my scripts, bought HP 6 and Toy Story 3 on DVD, got a new kettle, met up with a friend in the city...

I felt "normal". Sure, a lot of things I did today were based around illness and mental health: appointments, scripts, uni exemption. But I felt ...normal.

I got my folder, lined paper, dividers, and plastic sleeves for uni. Yep, I go back to uni next Monday. I've decided only one subject: Principles of Psych Assessment (applied statistics).

The plan is:
Semester 1
3rd yr Statistic
2nd yr Social and Org Psych
3rd year Psychopathology (compulsory now)

Semester 2
2nd yr Developmental Psych
3rd yr Neuroanatomy

So a 3/4 load in the first semester when I'm usually pretty functional. And, reduce it in the second when I don't do as well. Hopefully in 2011 and 2012 I'll get my "skills" up and be able to get through my OT course. No matter how it happens, I WILL be an OT. The students have required uniforms and when I feel down I picture myself in the green shirt, black slacks.

Day 45

2010-11-22T18:11:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: Happy

I think my doctor may regret giving me his email address ;) There is a long-winded rant from midnight last night.

I'll save you from the long version but in a nutshell: I feel like I am lacking in non-MH based friendships.

So I've signed up for flute lessons next year, group lessons. I love playing music. I'm still building up technique on the guitar; lots of spider/caterpillar exercises. My pinky often struggles to hold down the string so I've gotta work on that a bit. It takes time for fingers to learn how to play music effortlessly. With the flute, my fingers "knew" the notes just like my lungs and diaphragm 'knew' how much to alter to go up/down an octave.

Oh, on Saturday I am going to a rat picnic with the a few friends from a rat forum online. I'll take my camera (and batteries). Then, I have a celebration dinner for my friend (she's graduating).

I need a variety of friends, some without mental health issues because I have only a few that have transcended that as being the commonality that keeps our friendship alive. And, I am trying to move away from it and explore other 'parts' of me.

I'm also having a look at some of the ACE course that the TAFE's offer.

Something different: Support a great cause

2010-11-21T18:59:00.001+10:00

Below is a post from a friend from WBB (we bite back) a great ED recovery forum that I help moderate. If you'd like to help support her cause follow the instructions below :)

IF YOU HAVE FACEBOOK:
Please vote for the Looking Glass Foundation to win $5000 from PepsiCanada.
Click the link below
http://apps.facebook.com/oncampus/view.php?e=134

"Like" PepsiCanada. Click "allow" if prompted.
Click the On-Campus Tab, scroll to the bottom and click the purple bar that says "CLICK HERE TO VOTE IN THE GALLERY"
Vote for Elise Slaughter's Looking Glass Foundation photo.
(it looks like this)

...YOU CAN VOTE EVERY DAY UNTIL DECEMBER 10TH.

Feel free to repost this and spread the word...

Day 44

2010-11-21T10:16:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: tagged and targeted ;)

I've been tagged by Katy (rediscoverED)

1. How did you come up with the name of your blog?

I thought I'd be as obvious as possible one year (365 days) one girl (me) one recovery...to say that recovery is an individual process

2. What was the last thing that you ate?

Vanilla yoghurt with mango slices. nom nom

3. What's your favourite colour?

Umm... Blue no purple

4. What's your favourite spice/herb?

Cinnamon

5. Dark or Milk Chocolate?

Both!

6. Where abouts in the world have you travelled? If you haven't travelled, where would you like to go?

I've travelled a little around Australia. When I can apply for a passport (bankruptcy makes it hard) I want to travel to New Zealand, Canada, and Estonia

7. How many languages can you speak? Name them.

4.
English
Indonesian
Estonian
AUSLAN (you don't speak it but I know it)

8. Cardio or strength training? Why?

Honestly, cardio because strength training hurts...I'm a wuss

Oh, crap now I've gotta think of questions and blogs to tag.

1. What is one thing that you can do well?
2. Can you play an instrument (or more)? Which one(s)?
3. What is your all-time favourite movie?
4. Are you multi-lingual? what languages do you know/speak?
5. If you were in solitary confinement for life and there was a cockroach in the room with you, would you kill it or befriend it?
6. What is one thing that scares you?
7. What is something that people don't know about you?
8. What should the last question be? How would you answer it?

Now, the tagging *eep*

I'm retagging you
Katy rediscoverED
Kaz Kaztastrophe
Arielle One Page at a Time
Serra I choose to Live
Sarah This Lunatic Express
Kate things i have learned

Day 43

2010-11-20T18:59:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: awful

I missed one day's medication and was late with the following day. That's all it takes for me to begin withdrawal symptoms. I'm no longer on my SSRI medication and have been switched to a SNRI. The withdrawals are a lot worse as I am discovering. So, this post will be short as I'm in self-preservation mode. I have been tidying and watching cartoons to distract myself from the side effects. I can tell myself that the panic attacks and hallucinations are from the withdrawals but they still suck...hardcore. I've re-worked my sleep routine and developed a plan to get through the next few days.

On a really boring note, I was planning on washing my sheets (I have night sweats and they are getting a bit, well "funky")...weather has other plans :(. I've run out of clean sheets too so I may need to head over to the local Laundromat to use the dryers there. *groan*

I've gotta go and find something nice and easy to cook for dinner.

Day 42

2010-11-19T15:31:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: hopeful

Gay couple first in QLD to have a child

It was only a few days ago I was talking about my desire to one day start a family with my future wife. Whether I get "political" and social acceptance isn't going to stop me. But, I do not want this as a political statement. I grew up like a lot of little girls, with dreams of starting a family and being a mummy. I am so so happy for Bentley and Matt (from the article) who are both listed as "parents" on their son Connor's Birth Certificate. It gives me hope and in this news, helps me carry on in my eating disorder recovery.

I want to be able to carry a child to term. While they had a friend surrogate for them, I am blessed with the capacity to carry my own baby. And, if asked I think I would support a (male) gay couple in having their own child. But, to have a child you need a healthy body. See where this is leading. My doctor always said that she didn't care what the catalyst was as long as it was strong enough to change my direction (towards health).

I wish Bentley and Matt the all the best in parenthood and wish I could tell them how much hope they have given me as a young gay person who also wants to have a child.

I had moments where I stumbled in my eating disorder recovery. Then, literally a few days later, I was overcome with a cluckyness I have never felt before. It was so intense and it was like my hormones were giving me another reason not to go back. My body is still recovering—my insulin regulation is still not normalised yet and that will take time. So, while I am searching for "Miss right" I can support my body as it recovers from the damage of my eating disordered past.

Day 41

2010-11-18T14:56:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: tired

I am tired and have written today off as a day to sleep. I may pop up to the library to browse but I've only just had breakfast (it's 3pm). Why so tired?? Harry potter midnight screening!!

This is what I miss in my life. I’ve just gotten back from the midnight session of Harry Potter 7 part 1. I miss being the HP geek that I am. (I am going in costume next year for the final movie). I went alone because Kaela and Mum couldn’t get into my session. And, despite not knowing anyone there was this sense of community [except for the lady who wouldn't shut up about her natural HRT regime]. We cheered the people in awesome costumes, especially Hagrid. We held strangers hands tightly as it got really scary. Cried in the really sad parts together. I usually go to the first screenings of Harry Potter…and did wait in line for the books. (Yes, I am a mad potter fan).

I waited a bit before I go to bed…it was a scary movie. HP3 onwards have given me nightmares. Shut up.

But I miss having things like Harry Potter in my life… It was nice to have fun and be around other people who loved the story as much as I do.

And, yes I am not as well rested because I had scary Harry Potter nightmares...

Day 40

2010-11-17T17:38:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: pro-active

My name is Keira and I like girls. There, its out there and I am not ashamed. I was watching some youtube videos about "how to come out". So, I made my own video about my sexuality and the people I care about. My family know (well the should by now) because I casually mentioned girlfriends rather than boyfriends. My friends know, too.

Even when I was hating my body and hurting it in all manner of ways, I was always comfortable with my sexuality. I have never felt ashamed of it. I didn't even question or struggle when I realised that I was looking at the models with an element of lust rather than jealousy. (as in the dolly, girlfriend, cosmopolitan, cleo)

I guess I am being honest here with my eating disorder so why not let you see other aspects of my life. Let you meet the "real" Keira. And also promote that being a "non-heterosexual" isn't a flaw and doesn't make you weird, sick, sub-human. If you cannot look past the fact about who I am attracted to and focus on just that, then you really aren't putting in the effort to know me (or others).

It is just like the eating disorder. There is so much more to me than my weight and my clothes size (62 and 10-12 if you really must know (highlight)). That isn't what makes me, me. It's part of an awesome package that is Keira.

Day 39

2010-11-16T18:02:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: happy

I had a great session with Kirsten. She reassured me that the fatigue may be insulin dumps and that's from the ED...also, it may take my body some time to adjust to things and stop getting so "excited" about the glucose.... We had a chat about when my metabolism spiked and I was on very large meals and ensure. She mentioned she did harbour some jealousy that the ED girls could eat so much...until I mentioned the other, not so fun aspects of hypermetabolic states. Particularly, the night sweats that feel like someone has poured a bucket of water on you. eww.

She believes in me :) we were discussing my F-ing degree (as it is now called) and that she wont let me just graduate with an Undergrad diploma...It's gotta be a BA. She said I'm going to make a great OT ...when I have my shit together. I think looking at my values has helped me...

As difficult as it is to write this, there was a time where "being sick" was a big priority. I engaged in multiple behaviours to destroy my body in any means possible. "Being sick" would mean my mum would look after me. Something I missed out on as a child.

But, now it's more important to me to be able to look after myself. That, if I am feeling vulnerable "I" will act rather than relying on others to always respond on my behalf. That trumps the "being sick" value I once had.

I value education. I feel like studying and learning is part of what makes me, me. I love to find out how and why things are what they are etc... "Being sick" makes it impossible for me to pursue that.

I value being friendly and honest and trustworthy. I think they are all great qualities of who I am. "being sick" with the ED made me moody, dishonest, and untrustworthy.

I value love, romance, and connections with others. In order to maintain my "being sick" role I had to push away those who tried to intervene. (as contradictory as it seems). I couldn't love myself and didn't think I deserved love.

...

I have a lot of streets with potholes in them. With nothing else, it feels like I have no choice but to walk down those streets and peer deep into those holes. Seeing and obsessing over the darkness. It's why I know I can't live my life on disability benefits. I would never recover without creating some new streets: uni, careers, relationships + family, hobbies, etc.

Day 38

2010-11-15T14:51:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: inspired

I contemplated starting from zero again with this one year...But, then there was some wonderful posts in the past 37 posts. Instead I am going to try and post more regularly here.

A massive step in my eating disorder recovery. I consider myself recovered rather than in recovery. I am very happy with my current weight, which appears to be my set-point natural weight. I do not engage in eating disordered behaviours. In fact when I am stressed they aren't the thoughts that pop up "first"...I usually blog to my doctor about it.

What has been interesting is that my brain has found a few new things to focus on instead. For the first time in my life I seem to be entertaining family, careers, my own home etc: a future. I've spent most of my life believing that I'd never "have" all of these things because I'd die young. So it has been interesting to think about what my 'dream house' would look like (with Gherkin). Thinking about the possible patients/clients I will have as an occupational therapist. And, talking about babies and parenting with Andrew (my dr). He wants me to bring in baby photos so he believes it is possible too.

The really interesting thing is that when I picture all of this...my partner is female. I sit and daydream about me and my girlfriend/wife sitting on the porch as our kids play in the backyard. I see us taking it turns to be the stay at home mum. I see a happy family with mini dramas.

Even in day group I announced (without it being a "coming out" speech) that I can't legally get married in Australia yet. I've never struggled with my sexuality but I've become a lot more open about it.

Motzie and Colby say hi! They keep running up my leg to see what I am typing :)

Day 37

2010-09-25T19:21:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: nervous

I seem to be forever going between home and the hospital. It's all part of getting to an ed-free life. I will be in for a week but I've gotta come home sometime each day to feed the rats. In a way that will help because my last admission I was getting worried about feeling less functional. I wasn't cooking or looking after myself and was starting to miss the more mundane parts of life.

This half of the year isn't as great as the first half. Looking back, my depression seems to exacerbate. We are hoping that this admission will help me to work out how to reduce the impact.

Eating has been up and down but I can happily report that I've had a lovely breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It's quite funny watching the rats... I bought a second water bottle so they don't have to share one. Right now they are fighting over the old one. hold on gotta break it up

I hope things start to improve after this admission

Day 36

2010-09-11T18:16:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: lazy

Yep, it's a long time between days. I completed my neuroanatomy 'spotter' practical exam on Friday. It'll be interesting to see how I did. Wed, Thu, and Friday morning was spent, um, sleeping. I got a bit of study done waiting in the holding room (I was in the final group - that went at the end).

Motzie isn't well either. He has a grunt and chirp in is breathing. I've been sitting in the shower with him to help the congestion soften and he can sneeze some of it out. We are going to visit the vet for the first time on Tuesday. I'm taking them both in for a general check up as well as getting Motzie's breathing looked at. It has been so fun having them here. I keep the cage open when I am in here (my room). It leads to the mattress so they are pretty safe. And, I forget and they steal my food while I'm eating. I watched a chicken quarter walk away from me, fought to get my breakfast back, and given in and let them have pieces of my apple. Good thing I am eating a decent amount these days. He he...

Day 35

2010-09-04T17:07:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: ?

For those of you who have recently started following - this has become a really long year. I started in December and we've only just hit over 1 month. Some days don't feel like they are enough to have a whole blog post: got up, ate, went to uni, ate some more, studied, ate, went to bed. Other times I'm busy and forget, or tired and lazy. But if you stick with me - we will reach 365... sometime.

I finally got my Disability Support Pension (DSP) approved. It is interesting timing - the day I go home from hospital is the day I'm approved for disability. One of my therapists was not comfortable with me going on DSP 2yrs ago because I wasn't studying or working. Sadly, apparently the studies show that there is a fair amount of people who go on and stay on for life. I haven't read them but it's what Kirsten (my therapist) says she's seen and reports have shown from Centrelink.

I am on it so I can afford therapy and study. And, I don't have to go through the process of being "investigated" every time I reduce my study load due to stress. Then sitting on the phone to be put on NewStart (unemployment) and going through "back to work" seminars. My mental health and mental ill-health fluctuates. I'm generally OK the first half of the year but struggle through the second half.

It has been a relief - I was able to afford textbooks, pay back people who had paid bills on my behalf, and finally get a double mattress for my bed. Oh, and a new pet (well two new pets). I can't have Gherkin here but I can have caged pets... so I have two baby ratties!

Colby and Motzie!

Yes, I have this thing about naming my pets after food. Pepper - my first cat, Gherkin - my current cat (my brother named him though), and now Colby and Motzie (as in Mozzarella). The poor things came home with lice so I've had to delouse them and their home. I think they are 6 weeks old. But, they are my babies. I nearly ran to the pet shop to get the mite and lice spray.

Day 34

2010-08-28T22:06:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: excited to be home

So the lovely Katy (RediscoverED) had this idea to take pictures of a day of eating in recovery/recovered.

This is a day eating (while in hosptial)

7.00am Breakfast

[Weet-bix (2) with warm full-cream milk and honey, vegemite toast, and the red liquid is berocca (B+ C vitamins) ]

10.30am Morning Tea

[decaf tea with 3 sugars, 2 egg sandwich quarters (1 with mixed lettuce, one curried]

12.00pm Lunch

[vegetable lasagne (I promise) with braised cabbage and mashed pumpkin and potato, 230ml apple juice, and a choc-coated profiterole in custard]

3.00pm Afternoon tea
My phone died and couldn't take a pic but imagine a square of Sara-lee carrot cake (with icing) and a glass of water.

5.30pm Dinner

I was a little shocked - they got my order wrong but maybe it was fate's way of getting some red meat into me (I say a thank you prayer for the lamb and promise he/she that I will use the protein, iron, and other vitamins to live a good life)
[creamy tomato soup, wholemeal roll w. margarine (purely coz it's easier to spread), roast lamb, carrots and zucchini in gravy, tiramisu slice in custard, and 230ml apple juice]

9.00pm supper

first meal home
[chai latte, choc-chip cookie, and a shortbread biscuit]

Normally, there is more fruit (I take grapes to uni and have a bowl at my table) but it was a little suspect looking in the hospital... o.O

So, that's what I eat in an average day. It's a little different because it's hospital food but - I generally have two "main" meals with protein and veg a day...

It's important to remember that this is what works for my body. I remain pretty stable with that level of intake - some need more, some need less.

I do eat a semi-vegetarian diet. I'm not strict on it... it comes from my Buddhist belief system. However, the monks told me a story about the ancient monks who encountered a poor crop growing weather and their beans and vegetables failed to grow. To survive, they did eat meat but they grieved and thanked the beast for the strength. And, that's what I do too.

I've worked in a butcher shop and know exactly where meat comes from. And, for me (as someone who does eat meat) I thank the animal who lost his life so I can have the animal protein my body needs. Maybe I got the ratio wrong, maybe my body isn't able to adapt to a plant based diet, or some other variable I can't think of right now. But, for me I get way too fatigued when I am strictly vegetarian. So, when I eat meat I say thank you and promise the soul that I will use it for good (i.e. not purge it). Having that spiritual connection with the food drastically reduced my purging. But, that's just me :)

Day 33

2010-08-19T20:10:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: a little fragile

Sometimes I have to (radically) accept that at this present time I feel like crap. But, in accepting that I also recognise that I can take responsibility for what I 'do', if anything, with that feeling. For so long I'd run from anything painful and expect myself to be nothing but happy all the time. Gets tiring real quick.

I have every right to feel crap - physically, I am run down, and emotionally, I am still trying to come to terms with and process the effect of being triggered... as well as some nasty secondary emotions that have popped up.

But here is where radical and passive acceptance of a situation differ. I'm not going to sit and fester in the crapiness I feel. (random fact: Firefox Aust. dictionary suggested both craziness and happiness as alternative spellings for crapiness). I see the reality of how I feel and that I am hurting and choose to nurture myself. I'm sipping on some hot milo, which makes me feel warm and calm. I've got my favourite movies out. I watched Marley and Me today and had a releasing cry...

I've also written to my doctor about what is bringing up the crappy feeling so we can discuss it tomorrow (at 7.30am - me filled with caffeine and Berocca).

My tremor has returned too... bummer. If I stay in Neuroanatomy, I have a dissection to do.

Day 32: making up for lost time

2010-08-18T17:28:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: content

I was dancing and prancing about in the dressing rooms today - trying on a new size. And, with all those mirrors surrounding me I could truly see my body. I could see the faded stretch marks as I changed pants... on my thighs, the backs of my knees, my stomach. With the lighting I could also still see the hint of where my rib cage shows, as it awaits my body to figure out where the extra (essential) fat is needed. And I cried... not out of disgust or horror but out of compassion for the very physical journey my body has taken. I cried for those moments where I pushed my body up to it's limits. I cried for the times I used my body to express the pain inside.

I cried for me... out of compassion for myself.

...and to my reflection I whispered, "I'm sorry for where we've been and we will never be there again"

And, I walked out of the dressing room - thanked the lady working there armed with 4 wonderfully fitting items of clothing and promised myself (and my body) that the worst of that is over and I shall be treating my body with the respect it deserves. It has survived many years of pain in my childhood and many years of an eating disorder. And I need to honour just how strong I really am.

I'm now sitting here in my comfy pjs, sipping on some honey-sweetened decaf tea. And, ever so often I find myself gently stroking my arm... as I would a loved one, a child.

Day 31

2010-08-18T10:46:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: tired

Today seems to be one of those sooky days. I'm just teary and a little mopey for no real reason... OK, so I am sick of feeling tired all the time and today's therapy has fizzled away to nothing. I usually attend a Day Program today but that was cancelled and while waiting in the other ward I missed my morning Dr session. *sigh* I don't know at what point they were going to inform me that DP wasn't on.

I finished reading "The Nanny Diaries" by Nicola Kraus and Emma McLaughlin. It's a fun read that isn't about marriage or romance or other fiction books that I really don't relate to or find interesting. There is a sequel out called "The Nanny Returns", which I'd like to read.

Next on the shelf is "A Dog's Purpose" by W. Bruce Cameron. I'll let you know how I find that one.

I also have a lab manual to finish for Neuroanatomy but my brain isn't up to is yet. I tend to study better in the afternoon. All the books and materials are out ready should I get the urge to study earlier. My Dr suggested I drop the subject but then in the same ... monologue said he didn't know what I was going to do for the next 5 weeks until my trauma unit admission. Hmm, well if you suggest I drop uni then yeah, what am I going to do? *rolls eyes*

He has been accused of being quite cynical about his patients' ability to do ...most things really. He was shocked that I have done most of my Eating Disorder recovery myself. Oh hark, a ED patient who can actually do it without the "all knowing ED psychiatrist". I'm thinking I may need a break from therapy for a while, before I start throwing tissue boxes at his head. Maybe it's just irritability that comes with depression and I seem to be focusing it on my Dr.

Day 30 : a long time coming

2010-08-16T19:02:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: ?? not really sure

June, July, and now August. So, I've had some time off from the world of Blogger. It's taken me a while to overcome the fear of being "just another misery memoir"...and being known for my illness and my recovery. But, that is who I am, part of me. And that's what this blog is dedicated to. I seriously contemplated deleting it, along with anything that linked me to an eating disorder. I felt the further I was moving my life away from weight and food obsessions and the painful cognitions and side-effects... the less I wanted to 'identify' with it.

I don't know if I have mentioned it here but one of my goals is to be a published writer. I watch "Julie and Julia" and hope that one day something I write is worth being made into a book. But, I don't want it to be this... this is personal and I like just having my handful of readers. *hi* I'll use my Wordpress account for that.

ED recovery is going well. I made and reached a new goal weight. I now proudly sit in the middle of a healthy BMI range. I've embraced my new body... mainly my boobies but hey it was an exciting moment to wake up and "hello!". I've named my tummy my squishy (Finding Nemo reference of course) because I know it's not supposed to be flat or concave on me. I need some squishyness. Kids are about belly height and like to squash their faces in it. I didn't realise how facinating a belly could be. ;)

I am back in Belmont, as you can tell by the location. I am also back at uni: part time. Psychometrics and Neuroanatomy. Unfortunately, it was the neuro course that contributed to this admission. I still have some unresolved triggers to 'process'. But, I am willing to put in the work. Bring on some EMDR!

I have also decided to reclaim some of my identity and myself by changing my last name. Well, when I save up the $140 I will. I am taking on my Grandpa's biological father's name. It was also the name he had before he passed away. It is a made-up name from a Finnish word (which just makes it even more awesome). Grandpa was very special to me and was the kind of daddy I wanted to have. I feel more connected to him and Mum's side of the family than I do my paternal side...so it feels nice and fitting that my name reflect that.

Also, my first name will legally change: from Keira to Keira-Mai. Just a little hyphenation and mummy's even closer. Mai is my middle name and comes from my Mum's name.

GOOOOOOODMORNING SUNSHINE! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!

2010-06-24T11:13:00.001+10:00

Thank you!!!!!

Ask away

What would you like for your birthday?

2010-06-21T04:10:00.001+10:00

A gift certificate for a massage, craft stuffs, underbed storage for craft stuffs, a massage, a monkey and a penguin who likes warm temps

Ask away

Day 29

2010-04-20T22:18:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: slightly bummed

I am writing this from Belmont Private Hospital [www.belmonthospital.com.au ] Not for my Eating Disorder (although that has flaired up somewhat... :() but for my co-mobid DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)> It seems one of my identities is not in a good way so we landed in hospital. A chance to use our private health I guess.... We have been here since April 2, it's now April 20. One week of that was spent in the acute ward before and... attempt landed us us SCU, the secure ward. We have been here since and will be here until the dr thinks we are safe enough to be on the open ward again. Then, I go over to a specialist ward TDU (Trauma and Dissociatiation Unit (?) ) for a 3 week program... I don't know that I'll blog through that as the nature of it is quite intense so mwhah and loads of love and thank you to those who have read thus far.

I will continue on when I get back out. ;)

Day 28

2010-03-26T23:44:00.004+10:00

I am feeling: worn out

I am changing. Hence the animation of the many faces of me... I was feeling particularly ego-centric tonight :)... I've changed my hair-style and colour—I now have a fringe, layers, and blonde hair (again). I'm in the process of updating my wardrobe with "new" sized clothes...
Yes, that's a euphemism for having to replace my clothes because nothing fits. I've got a big shopping trip planned with my sister Kaela, in June/July so for now I'm just planning on getting some bigger jeans and trousers. It's taken me a while to adjust to needing to buy a size up—it snuck up on me and I've been living in shorts and tights since.

I've consolidated some of my blogs. I seemed to have accumulated quite a few. ...but I like the cookie has gone; as has loony @ uni. Some of the ideas I would post in the old ed blog I might include here. And, the loony @ uni blog has become a wordpress blog. General musings and writings based on things I observe, read, eat, etc. Something separate from the eating disorder but not so personal like my Livejournal.

I had a great time at my friend Z's 21st dinner. I met a few of Z's friends and had a great chat. The food was amazing! So good. And, the restaurant was beautiful, with special touches made by Z. There was a lot of anticipatory nerves. I got there early. It was the first time I had met Z in real life (yep more net friends becoming real friends). I'm so glad that I overcome the anxiety about not knowing ANYONE and just enjoyed the night.

Then, Kaela and I took Mum to see Wil Anderson live @ the Powerhouse (as part of the Brisbane Comedy Festival). Gosh he's a dirty dirty boy! But it was a great night out. We had fish and chips over in Southbank then ferried it over to New Farm.

Uni is in full swing as well. A big reason for the gaps between entries. I've got:

an article review,
a quiz on ANOVA,
a social psychology experiment,
an argumentative/comparative essay on violent video games and development,
a short response quiz for developmental and eHealthcare
a lab report on appearance and singing ability on Australian Idol (stats)

Not to mention catching up on the lecture that I've missed due to illness (I've had a bug and missed one stats lecture; day one of my period so missed developmental)
So, I'm busy with uni but it has been helpful in framing my priorities. I can't focus on ANOVA and social psychological phenomena, and limitations of eHealth, etc. when I am thinking about weight, food, restriction, etc. so I haven't been (focusing on ED thoughts)

Day 27

2010-03-09T09:48:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: hopeful

I want to be a professional not a professional patient! It has become somewhat of a mantra for me. I will admit there have been moments where I have wanted to just miss a meal. But, when I remember my goals, my dreams, my future... suddenly I want to eat again. I have come to accept my reality, which is that I cannot have both. Sure, there are some people who can "manage" both and eating disorder and a high stress job/degree...at least for the short-term. I'm not one of those people. I've lost enough time trying and the eating disorder isn't seeming that desirable anymore. I don't crave thinness, control, weightlessness; I want to feel whole, productive, firmly grounded.

I'm finding the more I get out there and live the eating disorder is becoming less and less desirable.

My sister and I are taking Mum to see Wil Anderson perform at the Powerhouse. We are going to make a nice evening of it, seeing how Mum doesn't go out much these days. It's going to be an awesome Sunday night. I also have a 21st Birthday party coming up—need to get a cocktail dress sometime soon.

Another exciting thing: I'm donating blood on Thursday. I don't actually know my blood type—I think it's B+—but I know there is a need for donors. Every year I see the van at uni and want to donate. But, it's hardly fair to give someone who is already sick, unhealthy blood. Right now I'm at the healthiest I've been in my adult life, really.

The SSRI medication is becoming managable again. It was a matter of sitting with the uncomfortable side effects until they passed. I'm a little sedated in the mornings but it's not at a point where it inteferes with things. Yay!

formspring.me

2010-03-07T15:42:00.001+10:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/littlemisskeira

Day 26

2010-03-06T08:46:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: tired

Uni has taken a lot out of me; more than I anticipated. Combine that with the initial tiredness that my SSRI medication gives me (yes, I still have med compliance issues) and it makes for a very draining experience. There have been a few times where it has completely got me down and I've just wanted to never wake up. But, it's not life I want to escape just this sensation of tiredness. I don't like feeling less that 100% as I tend to get more spacey.

I haven't been at the gym most of this week just because a) I've been a bit sore and yucky from my "monthlies" and b) with the spaceyness I can't guarantee that I have been eating enough to sustain a gym session. That, and I am too tired. It's the kind of tired that coffee doesn't touch, nor does a full night's sleep. The caffeine just speeds up my heart but the rest of my body is still worn out.

That being said, despite the mood fluctuations I haven't reverted back to old behaviours to cope. I've mused about it but it never gets past mentally going through with it. (e.g. I visualise it, including later outcomes). I can still see me graduating and becoming an OT, with my green UQ OT shirt in 2011.

I just need to shake this tiredness.

Day 25

2010-03-02T22:58:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: excited!

YAY! It's finally week one of uni. I have my first lecture tomorrow at 10am - Psychological Research Methods III. Uni code for statistics... So that is why I have been absent here. I've been getting ready for uni, sorting out timetables and budgets and many other exciting things.

I swear, this "one year" is going to take about 24months. I will endevour to write more frequently.

I went to my first "concert" by myself, for the year. I saw Adam Hills' Mess Around show at the Brisbane Powerhouse. It was awesome! I haven't laughed so hard in so long. It was such a great night out. Mum, Kaela, and I are going to see Wil Anderson in a couple of weeks :D

I imagine that this is what it feels like to be a "non-eating disordred" person. Studying and going out. Cooking, and eating out... having crappy meals after a late night at uni, (i.e. 2-min noodles, frozen veg + cheese). I don't care that my meal has xxxCal or worry that eating what I do will put weight on. I go to the gym every 2nd or 3rd day unless I'm feeling sore or tired; then I give it a miss. I'm planning essays and holidays rather than fasts and binges.

I've come to the flipside.
Initially, recovery was hard; the eating disorder was the easy path. Now, if I think about what I would 'need' to do to go back to it: recovery is easy; the eating disorder would take a lot of work. It is easier and innate for me to eat 5-6 times a day, not purge or overexerise. It's easier for me not to seek out scales in the shopping centre.

I can see me living without the burden of an eating disorder and its rules. I can visualise me graduating with my friends and family cheering. Then, going on placement as an OT. I can see me again. Finally.

Day 24

2010-02-13T17:28:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: impatient

Video Blog - Day 24
Is it March yet?? Yep, I was one of *those* kids. The ones who can't wait to get back to school. I have everything but one textbook in terms of uni supplies. I have a netbook, folders, voice notetaker, computer folders, timetables, colour codes... you name it. I am ready and dying to get back to uni. (not literally).

I can still remember waiting for the first day of kindy/prep/school. The anticipation, trying on my new uniform, covering all my books. I sit here 19 years later and that feeling is still the same. I am hopeful about 2010... I think it's a real possibility that I will get through another full year of uni. I am hopeful that it wont involve medical certificates and hospitalisation but if it happens, it happens.

I think I am eager to get back to uni because it's the closest thing I get to regular contact with people. I have friends but we don't 'hang out'. We don't bum around the city and people watch. My school friends seem to be more into the club/pub/alcohol scene than I am. My internet friends struggle with their anxiety and depression so it's generally a virtual friendship. I've been so staggered with my degree that I don't know anyone at uni. I make 'acquaintances' in the classes but the relationship ends when the semester does. So, during holidays I'm either here at home or visiting my mum (and the cats).

It's strange. Throughout my more disordered days I welcomed the time alone. To be with my disorder. Not so much these days... I want to go out for coffee, have drinks at a friends, see movies, etc. I don't want the only physical contact to be me visiting a hospital ward.

I'm thinking of joining the psych students society/club at UQ this year. I can hang out with other psych students. I was thinking about a sport but it would have to be during the winter semester because I am painfully unfit still. Actually, I'm at the stage in recovery where I don't need to add weight so it would be appropriate to start toning/retoning the muscles that suffered at the hands of my eating disorder.

Day 23

2010-02-11T12:17:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: renewed

I think it must be time for another post; there were a few "Day 23" drafts sitting here. Every time I go to write something, I'm not sure what to. Or, I leave it so late that I'm too tired to think straight. Maybe the routine of uni (in March) will help me be more regular with these updates.

As you may know, I have two therapists: Kirsten, and Dr C. (both are psychiatrists). And, it has been interesting now that I am in a pretty steady recovery state. Kirsten is very happy and proud and getting me stickers (I've gone 12 months self-harm free). Dr C...not so much. It's the first real divide I've seen in their opinions. I guess it's because Kirsten, in reality, will only be my short-term therapist where as Dr C will be with me for the next 10 or so years.

Dr C isn't sure where to go with therapy. And, after today's session, neither am I. The idea that through therapy...I may go through those lows in behaviour again, makes me quite hesitant. I know there are issues that haven't been dealt with. But, I don't know that revisiting them for the sake of revisiting them is helpful. I almost feel like I need to be in crisis for us to actually deal with things...Well he said 'uncomfortable'.

It has left me confused about the whole therapeutic process. In DBT we were taught that once we got a good grasp on the skills we will be able to deal with the deeper issues. And, those deeper issues couldn't be dealt with while engaging in self-destructive behaviours. That's where I am now but we aren't dealing with the deeper issues. It's starting doing my head in.

Day 22

2010-02-06T20:45:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: confident

Sorry for the delay; it took a bit longer than I thought to readjust to being back at home. Once the holiday vibes dissipated I got a little overwhelmed with the prospect of 'living'. But, now I am back into the swing of things. I find comfort in the fact that I am not expected to be 'normal' as if the ED never happened. I am, by nature, off-kilter, unconventional, left of centre. And, I love that about me.

I have started learning eesti keel (Estonian). Maybe I will have an entire post in LOTE. It provides a great project while I wait for uni to start. There is no pressure to do this and test on this. But, it stimulates the mind. Not only that, I need to eat to think so it's a back up reason to eat ;)

Day 21

2010-01-28T15:13:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: ??

26th of January was my Mum's birthday! Coincidently, it is also Australia Day so everyone gets a holiday :) We went up to Bribie Island to have a swim and watch the Aussie Day celebrations there. Iain and Kaela got stung by blue bottles, Kaela, Rhianna and Chuck (Kahlia - Rhianna's friend) got really sunburnt. So, we left before the fireworks. It was loads of fun going out somewhere as a family. And not having to worry about "Will Keira be OK to come out? Is she going to eat?" blah blah stuff.

This holiday has done wonders for me. I got to reconnect with my older sister—and reassure her that her QLD family loves her—and catch up with several family members and friends. For those who I didn't get to catch up...I am planning on making trips to NSW a regular thing now. I feel more connected within myself and with who I am. I can see myself in my sister, so so much. We may have only had a single year living together but we are so related ;)

I think the new year has finally kicked in. It's usually not until the lead up to uni that I finally work out what I want to achieve this year. So, here is my goals for 2010!

Complete two semesters at a 3/4 load (e.g. subjects a semester)
learn a language - Eesti (Estonian, my grandmother's mother tongue)
Go camping
Read more
Have fun on my shopping trip to Melbourne

There is probably more to come but that'll do for now.

Day 20

2010-01-25T08:16:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: a mix of emotions

My holiday is nearly at an end. I get on the plane tomorrow at 6.05am and fly up to QLD. I am looking forward to going home; Work and uni preparations begin this week. But, at the same time, it will be sad to leave. All my extended family live here in NSW or further south in ACT, and; I feel isolated from them. Lets hope that now that I have decided to make this an ongoing thing (ie. regular trips to Sydney) that the weird, isolating feelings will lessen. It also makes me feel so angry at my parents, particularly my father. He packed us up and took us interstate to avoid the "meddling" family. Pity, they were meddling because we were in crisis. But, the past is the past. I have had my cry about what I have missed and the what ifs. So, all I can do now is focus on now and tomorrow.

I am happy to say that this holiday has been ED free =D. I haven't worried about the calories of anything, everything I have eaten has stayed... eaten. It has been nice. I have had a few lingering thoughts about needing to lose weight when I get home but I can rationally look at my body and say "No!"

Day 19

2010-01-18T13:36:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: accepted

I don't know if it was because the alcohol was cheap, or just the quantities at which we drank but I had the worst hangover I have ever had. I slept through Sunday and missed a beautiful day. I think I might hold off of the alcohol until the trip is over... key word being "might".

I finally met up with my older sister Dawn! I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. After all, this was the first time seeing each other for 9 years. I was lucky enough to chaperone my father when he came down to meet his grandchild, Zac (my beautiful Nephew) when I was in Year 10 (so 14-15yrs old). I will spare your the soapie-esque drama that is our family but she only lived with us for a short time... Too short in my opinion, I was so pissed off when she left to live with her mum. All my life I wanted an older sister and then I get one and she leaves :( I didn't care about the bull crap from the adults, I knew she was my sister.

We managed to catch up a lot of the times we missed, aided by alcohol. (hence the hang over the next day). And, it's been so great to be here. I see aspects of me and my siblings the more I get to (re)know her. She is such a strong person and has had a past similar to mine but she got through it... She has this totally awesome apartment seconds from the beach, a wonderful son, she's working... I know she reads this blog... Dawn, I am so proud of who you have become because and despite of our families :)

This trip has been so great for me and my recovery. I feel real. I don't want to hide away and really, I can't any way. Apart from paying another $65 to change my flight I'm here until the 26th. And, the fact that I have extended my stay by two days tells me that I want to get as much out of this trip as I can. I'm not here for the sights, I'm here for the feeling of connection. Don't get me wrong, Sydney is so diverse and beautiful. But, I'm here for the people... It's why I don't have many concrete plans. In fact the only two were: see Dawn and get my Birth Certificate.

Day 18

2010-01-14T16:38:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: unsure

I have been interstate, on holidays, for a week and a bit now. It has been fun to catch up with my Aunt and her family. It brings up mixed feelings and thoughts. Would things be different if we had stayed in NSW? Am I more like my father than I think I am? And, conflicting thoughts about family and who I am...

My mother and father's families are worlds apart. My father's side is very much a lower/working class family. My mother's are more academic. I feel bad but I wish I was closer to my Mum's... I wish that the dynamics between my mum's side were different.

I love my dad's side of the family. I get cautious because I can see many traits of my father in them...and I have not yet overcome my fear of my dad. I do feel bad about that too.

These are all the little/big issues I hide away from with my eating disorder and self harm. I escape to this blurry world of isolation. And, I will admit that I do miss it. Especially now that a lot of issues have been brought up. I still don't want my eating disordered life but it does get tempting. I am looking forward to catching up with my uncles on my mum's side.

Day 17

2010-01-10T09:36:00.000+10:00

I am feeling:

I met up with a few internet friends today; Kahli and Kylie! It is a scary and exciting moment. There are doubts: what will they think of me? Will they like me? But, in the end, if I let those doubts take precedence I would never do anything beyond my old routine. The same one that kept me sick for so long.
I am so glad that I met up with them :) It was so great to catch up and meet two great friends in real life. And now that we "know" each other, the friendships can only get better.

I then went to a a-league game (football/soccer) with my Aunt, Uncle and cousin. The atmosphere was great. Nearly 7 000 local supporters cheering them on. The game was a draw but still an interesting game to watch :)

This is my kind of holiday. Just hanging out, no real plans, and doing things on a whim. I hate those holidays where every minute is planned.

Day 16

2010-01-07T23:16:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: exhausted

Ahh, the "how did you lose all the weight?" question came up. Some of my family are aware of my eating disorder, others aren't. I still stumble over my words. I don't want to deny or lie about it but I also don't want people to worry about it become weird around food. I do find it a little patronising the comments about the fact that I have eaten meals... Yay, Keira ate all of [insert meal here]. *sigh* It's not really a major achievement for me any more; I do that all the time. In fact, by bringing it to the forefront makes me a little more conscious of my eating habits.

My body is still doing well physically...I'm a hormonasaurus again. ROAR! (yes, I do realise I have just announced that I am PMS-ing). The first cycle to return is exciting, the second one really signifies that the body is recovering, and three will eliminate "amenorrheic " from my medical records (apparently). I knew it was coming this month so it wasn't a big surprise...OMG I'm dying moments ;)

I had a great day catching up with my cousin, Emma. It's still weird to see her grown up and out of home

Day 15

2010-01-06T21:52:00.038+10:00

I am feeling: tired

3.05am... 3 in the morning the alarm goes off. By 4am I have finalised my packing and am out the door to Buranda busway. It was a 45min walk along some deserted, normally busy roads... But totally manageable. It was very lucky that I left from the place I was house sitting otherwise I would have been sleeping over in Roma St. I got their on time for the bus, made it in time for my connecting "Airtrain" and was ready for check in by 5.50am.

I enjoyed a lovely breakfast of raisin toast and coffee (no 2) in the Level 3 Departure Lounge of the Brisbane Airport. I would like to say that the Jetstar crew—from check-in, to flight—were lovely and wonderful. I had a great experience flying.

7.30am (aboard Jetstar flight JQ811 to SYD)
I'm in the air! Such a different feeling. Everything looks so beautiful from up here. That moment as you breech the lower clouds to reveal the bluest sky is still breath taking. I can hear my heart thump, thump, thumping with excitement and a twinge of fear through my unpopped ears. This moment really is the beginning of a new time in my life. I'm getting out there, doing new things, meeting new people: living. I'm no longer restricted by my eating disorder time table and rules. I don't have to research meals and bathrooms. I don't need my sick routine any more... I have life instead.

Day 14

2010-01-05T17:14:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: excited!!

This time tomorrow I will be in another state, and another time zone! I am not looking forward to the really early start tomorrow... Plane leaves at 7.15, check-in at 6.15, which means the 5.20am Airtrain, which means the 4.57 buz, which means a 30+ min walk to the busway at 4am. Sydney better be worth it ;)

My sister Kaela came over Sunday night with DVDs, alcohol, and take-away. We had fun just hanging out, suitcase shopping, Gossip Girl marathons, etc... Just being normal sisters. So great!

Day 13 - 2010

2010-01-01T05:24:00.020+10:00

I am feeling: hopeful

Video Blog - Day 13

Happy New Year!
I hope you all had a safe and fun New Year celebration :) I had a quiet night watching the fireworks on the telly. Big, noisy, crowded celebrations aren't really fun for me. I like quiet things.

I have decided that 2010 will be about being true to me and growing into the changes that 2009 brought.

2009: the review

I was readmitted into the hospital 3 times
I was passively fired (they just deleted my file)
I went back to uni
I started to trust my newish therapist, Dr C
I only self-harmed once, in Feb, and haven't since
I read the Happiness Trap and changed my perspective on things

Like all years, 2009 had its ups and downs and I am glad to say it ended on a high.

I admit that today I did have some strong urges to go back to the eating disorder. The barrage of "fatblaster" ads didn't help. The weight loss industry loves New Year. But, I was impressed with the Weight Watcher's ad" "remember when food was just food", it was about balance rather than eliminating food groups/meals. So kudos to you WW!

My trip is fast approaching!! Yes, it deserves a second exclamation mark ;) I can't wait and friends who live interstate are making plans to meet up with me. I think this is a big turning point for me. I can see why K was so excited for me...I'm getting out there and livinga

Day 12 - New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T23:37:00.000+10:00

I am feeling: excited!!

It's 11.37pm NYE. I've has 2 weak vodka + lemon drinks so I'm a little...relaxed. Not drunk but can definitely feel that I've had alcohol. :)
Hope you are all enjoying your New Year's Eve celebrations (if you are celebrating)!

NY resolutions are usually about making changes etc...
Mine is to keep living like I am now, and enjoying every moment :)

And that means doing what I need to, to be able to live: eat, drink, sleep, work, attend therapy.

I'm going to aim for a semester GPA of 5.0 for each semester in 2010.
I want to stay in the house I have as long as everyone else is living there too (we have a lease til 2011)
Keep my current 'job'.
Get out and see more than my bedroom, Little Miss's house, and uni lecture theatres.
Have more 'fun' days.
Update my look + take care of my appearance.
Grow and learn :)

I think 2010 is going to be just as awesome as the last 2 months have been for me. After many many years, my depression has finally lifted! I know to go back to old behaviours would tempt it back. I feel happy because I am still alive.

Interestingly, this renewed recovery, as we will call it, coincides with my 24th year of life...when the myelination of the frontal lobe comes to it's completion, finalising the major development of the brain. My brain is becoming a grown up and I can feel it. My impulse control has improved, particularly with random self-destructive thoughts. I think I am going to make it :)

Day 11

2009-12-30T23:29:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: contemplative + slightly annoyed

Video Blog - Day 11
Therapy Day. It's not a bad thing but it does tend to make me think about things. She is impressed with how 'together' my life is: work, uni, family, eating, absence of "scary stuff" etc. I think she is starting to see that I am really serious about recovery this time. I don't bitch about my weight—OK, so I did a little but just because the WiiFit made disappointed noises at me for going over the weight I was at a month ago (normal fluctuations + Christmas banquet). But, it wasn't the numbers but the fact that the Wii was angry. Nor am I overly restrictive with my food choices...I'm intuitively eating these days. :)

One thing that has stuck in my mind was my online friends who aren't doing so well...and how that affects me. I am not triggered by other people's relapses. I have too much to lose to go back to it. But, it's the negativity and distress and panic that eating disorders bring. Maybe it's some Karmic force or something. But, like I say in the video, I don't want to be my friends' therapists. Nor do I want our only interactions to be around how crap their lives are. How many times you purge, how much weight you lost, hospital admissions...it's not conversation topics I'd pick, any more. I feel hesitant to discuss how good things are because I don't want to seem like I'm shoving my perfect life in their faces.

I've been told this blog is triggering... I still fail to see how (and I know should my friend read this she will know it's about her). How is reading about life after an eating disorder...one that doesn't mention numbers, calories, detail of behaviours, or express desires to live an anorexic/bulimic life...how is that triggering?

I'm on a rant now...
Don't put me on a pedestal as some super-human who has recovered. I didn't have 'magic' doctors. Nothing amazingly spectacular separates my ability to recovery from yours... By all means, share in celebrating my strength and achievements with me but don't compare and use me to put you down...

WOW. on that note, I'm off to bed...2010 resolutions tomorrow :)

Day 10

2009-12-29T15:06:00.001+10:00

I am feeling: contemplative

Day 10 - Video Blog
I'm thinking of making up a mood set for this blog...hmm there's a project for February.

This is Rosie, aka my Rosela, the doggie I'm looking after for the week. She is a little darling. I think she is missing her owners a bit...she's moping :( Give her a day and she'll be back to her bouncy, hyper self. It's a very different environment here, compared to back home. There are loads of big windows so lots of light gets in so it's not so 'gloomy'. And, it feels like a home whereas my place it's very obvious that it's a temporary residence. Not saying I don't like where I am living...it's just being here and walking through IKEA on Sunday has got me thinking.

Now that the eating disorder doesn't rule my life and I'm not waiting for the day when I take it too far and die, I want to, um, grow up, I guess. I want a mortgage and my own home, a 9-5 job, Gherkles living with me, etc. But, at the same time, I don't want to miss the experience of young adulthood...the poor uni student, the crazy drinking games, silly stunts, etc.

I guess what I am saying is, I wish I didn't choose eating disorder and depression over life for so long. I lost my late teens and some of my early twenties. I spent 18th and 19th birthdays in hospital, Christmases...in hospital. I isolated from my friends and scared them off. I know people say that true friends would stick by but I don't judge my friends harshly for pulling away. In fact, it gave me an incentive to go a different way with my life. I needed to know that I would lose everything if I kept the eating disorder. And I did, there are some friendships, great friendships, that I don't know if I can fully repair.

And now that I accept that it is hard and acknowledge my feelings I can let it pass through my mind. Me dwelling on it just takes away more. So, with that in mind I'm off to make some plans for 2010!

Day 9

2009-12-28T20:49:00.003+10:00

I am feeling: accomplished!

Day 9 - Video Blog
I am finally back home with my flat-packs all unpacked. I must say, I totally rock the allen keys! I managed to pull apart my dining table (that was acting as a study desk), shift my double bed frame (still with a single mattress—what can I say, I'm a student), and put together 2 IKEA tables in 2hrs...as well as do some rearranging to fit in my new IKEA noticeboard (it's glass! and so nice to write on. The new set-up gives me more floor space to, um... do stuff on the floor.

And what does IKEA have to do with recovery?? Everything! For one, I was cognisant enough to follow instructions...I still have a flat-pack near disaster from my disordered days. And also, these particular purchases are with the intent on going to uni next year. There may be people with eating disorders who can manage both but I'm not one of them. My grades dropped by 1-2 from semester 1 to semester 2 (when I was more 'disordered'). So it's a commitment to getting on with life.

I now get to spend the week house + dog sitting for my "boss" before my great adventure to New South Wales (interstate for me). I will be taking my laptop, might try some videos...my skin has broken out so I'm a little self conscious about being on camera.

Before

After